Reality, In the Blinded Eyes of the Beholders

There’s an art to writing a “ . . . “ column, as former Times television writer Rick Du Brow once did in this very space.

In trying to come up with some pithy analysis of the summer of “Survivor” and “Big Brother,” however, it’s hard to form any cohesive theories, which hasn’t stopped media types from trying. In fact, if one more 20-year-old MSNBC or Fox News Channel producer calls to ask about participating in a televised discussion exploring the cultural significance of these shows, I will personally hunt down each of their network’s seven viewers and dismantle their cable boxes.

That said, there are a lot of isolated, unsophisticated and just plain rude thoughts about this trend, which, as readers of The Times’ sports section can tell you, are perfect for a “ . . . “ column. So in a last blast before Labor Day--and with apologies to Rick Du Brow, the late Alan Malamud and T.J. Simers--here goes:

“Survivor’s” $1-million prize went to Richard Hatch--arrested in April for alleged child abuse--who beat fellow finalist Kelly Wiglesworth, who is wanted in North Carolina on suspicion of using a stolen credit card. Maybe the network should simply set “Survivor II” in a prison and save everyone a lot of time and money. . . .

What kind of name is Wiglesworth? Doesn’t it sound like one of those great Ellis Island stories: “Sorry, we can’t pronounce or spell that, so from now on, you are Ivan Rasputin Wiglesworth.” . . .

For those keeping score, a brief recap of whose credibility was sullied or besmirched by brushes with the “reality” genre during the summer of 2000: Bryant Gumbel’s reputation as a nasty curmudgeon, instead of a big cuddly team player; CBS News President Andrew Heyward and any pretense of independence when the boss says jump; and “The Early Show’s” Julie Chen, who, having demonstrated her willingness to take a bullet for the team by hosting “Big Brother,” is cut out for big things at CBS, as sad a commentary on the state of broadcast news as you’re likely to find. . . .

David Letterman also willingly shilled for “Survivor” and boarded CBS’ runaway promotional bandwagon. Granted, he didn’t want contestants sitting beside him, so they stood next to the producer like door-to-door salesmen. . . .

The Letterman camp has tried to act as if it’s “above” worrying about ratings ever since he started losing to Jay Leno, but despite Letterman’s carefully cultivated reclusive genius image, here’s a headline you won’t find even on “The Tonight Show”: Given the chance, Dave will wade into the muck and pander along with everyone else. . . .

Someone needs to come up with a better name for this stuff than “reality” programming. Reality? Please. No one in my reality has ever suggested I eat larvae or be locked in a house for 90 days without contacting the outside world, although after this, CBS might be tempted. . . .

“Survivor” producer Mark Burnett’s term, “dramality,” meaning a mix of reality and drama, doesn’t work either. It sounds more like something to take when you’re on a boat and feel like throwing up, perhaps appropriately. . . .

Does anyone remember when being “a member of the tribe” in Hollywood was a reference to someone’s being Jewish? . . .

Speaking of that tribe, if Democratic vice presidential nominee Joseph Lieberman is serious about cleaning up sex on television, he could start by asking his running mate to stop mauling his wife on national TV. . . .

After all this fabricated gamesmanship, genuine competition during the Olympics looks better and better. In fact, the World Wrestling Federation’s new football league suddenly isn’t looking so bad. . . .

Wouldn’t it be nice if an entertainment company could just once enjoy a big success and then leave it alone? Skip “The Karate Kid III” or spare us “The Last Don II”? . . .

No such luck. “Survivor” will repeat over two weeks in September opposite the Olympics, and “Survivor II: The Australian Outback” arrives in January. Word is that Reebok has already locked up the licensing deal on the razor-edged boomerang, which comes around and stabs you in the back. . . .

In the “you’ll never work in this town again (until, we hope, everyone has forgotten about what happened)” department, Fox is planning a can’t-miss project for October called “The Sexiest Bachelor in America.” It’s directed by Don Weiner, the same guy who directed the special that launched 1,000 jokes, “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?” . . .

Note to whoever’s conducting the background checks: If Rick Rockwell applies, be sure to ask to see an original copy of his W-2 form. . . .

John de Mol, the Dutch mogul behind CBS’ other summer series, “Big Brother,” has stated that fame, more than money, is the reason people clamor to participate in these shows. . . .

Sounds logical, except that four members of the “Survivor” gang agreed to appear on the new “Hollywood Squares” in September. Now, if the goal is to be famous, why sign up for a show that officially announces to the world that your show-business career has died? . . .

Family values, CBS style: Jamie, one of the “Big Brother” inmates, was presented the opportunity Thursday to meet with her mother--who was flown in for the occasion--or a Hollywood casting director. If you think she chose Mom, you haven’t been paying attention to just how pathetic the yearning for celebrity has become. . . .

The funniest line of the summer about “reality” belongs to “Late Night’s” Conan O’Brien: “Last night on ‘Big Brother’ the house guests were surprised by the addition of a pet dog. Unfortunately, after spending 24 hours in the house the dog was so bored she demanded to be put to sleep.” . . .

Glass three-quarters full department: If 72 million people in the U.S. watched at least part of last week’s “Survivor,” as estimated by Nielsen Media Research, that means the other 201 million living here didn’t. (OK, so I was one of the 72 million, but I have a legitimate excuse: It’s my job.) . . .

Parting thought: Once again, we have a situation in which the bad guys get the reward and finish first. And, no, that isn’t a reference to poor (or, rather, rich) Richard.

*

Brian Lowry’s column appears on Tuesdays. He can be reached at brian.lowry@latimes.com.