Festive Metal Detectors Really Get You in the Spirit

Warning sounds o’ the season: “Nothing warms the Xmas heart of an L.A. lawyer,” quips L.A. lawyer Bill Moore, “like the ‘gift-wrapped’ metal detectors at the Hill Street entrance to Superior Court (except maybe a Christmas Eve wage garnishment order).”

The detectors do, indeed, look festive. But I notice the security guards aren’t wearing Santa caps.

OFFBEAT DINING GUIDE: Today, may we direct your attention to the following (see accompanying):

* A soft drink that costs less than nothing (Joseph Solomon).

* A cruise ship that, I guess, would be governed by a pork authority (Fay Anderson of Lake Arrowhead).

* A turkey that moos (Kathleen Johns of L.A.).

EASY FOR THEM TO SAY: Kay Yates of Big Bear Lake inaugurates our new directions-of-the-week category. She noted: “I did manage to put the lid on.” (see accompanying)

CLIMBING TO THE TOP: The ronfineman.com Web site has been recounting practical jokes in the media biz, including this one from several decades ago, told by Newport Beach writer Pat Michaels:

“I was working one of my first ‘big city’ jobs as a two-week, night-time vacation relief newsman at KNX radio. Trying to make points by showing how hard I worked, I’d labor over my newscast to the last minute, then dash into the studio with only split seconds before air time.

“This was quietly noted by the rest of the night crew. On my last night, I dashed into the studio as the clock’s second hand neared the top of the hour. To my shock, a 14-foot ladder had been placed in the center of the studio and the microphone was on top!

“With no time to spare, I was forced to climb the ladder, and nervously deliver the whole newscast from the precarious perch, with no cut-off button or cough switch available. That’s when one of the engineers came into the studio dragging a big metal mop bucket.”

No need to go into how the engineer filled the bucket. But it was noisy.

Michaels said the workers “all laughed and slapped me on the back when I came down the ladder, red-faced, at the end of the newscast. However, the joke taught me a lesson, and I never pushed the clock before a newscast again.”

IDENTITY CRISES: The first e-mail I received today began: “I hope that I have reached the king of comedy, and not some other Steve Harvey.” The sender thought I was the actor. Imagine how low I felt, telling him I’m not the king of comedy, only the duke of dueling signs.

miscelLAny:

I can’t seem to get away from El Segundo--the name, I mean. A reader points out that since it was named for Standard Oil’s second oil refinery in the state, it should be La Segunda (“refinery” is feminine in Spanish).

These types of liberties with translations are not uncommon in California. La Puente and Mission Viejo, for instance, also are grammatically incorrect. They should be El Puente and Mision Vieja.

Ciao.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., 90012 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.