Rebuffed Robbers Belong in Institution for the Criminally Inane

The year’s final “stupid criminal tricks” award goes to a trio described in Charles Sevilla’s “Great Moments in Courtroom History” column in CACJ Forum magazine.

Sevilla excerpted a federal indictment charging that the defendants “entered a Coldwell Banker office in Hacienda Heights, Calif., and attempted to commit a bank robbery. Upon learning that Coldwell Banker is not a bank, the three defendants left the premises and drove away looking for a bank to rob.”

I bet they didn’t do their homework in school either.

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I OBJECT! Sevilla also published a trial excerpt in which an “elderly” man was mentioned by a witness.

Prosecutor: “Elderly” is how old by your standards?

Witness: He was probably 40s, I think.

Judge: Ewww. That is cold. That is cold.

Defense counsel: That is cold.

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YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS? The police log of the Los Alamitos News-Enterprise recounted how a Cypress resident “complained that a street sweeper kept splattering just-washed cars when it went by.”

Complained? That was the only way my college roommate ever got his car washed.

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BARKING UP THE RIGHT TREE: Perusing the same police log, Jack Glaser of Seal Beach had no sympathy for the resident in his town who “complained of a neighbor’s barking dog.”

After all, Glaser said, the complainer should have expected as much when he decided to live there--on Dogwood Avenue.

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IS THERE NO SHAME ANYMORE? Linda Getty of Highland Park saw an ad for a bed that promised a less-than-romantic entanglement (see photo).

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A FLOATING YARD? Henk Friezer of Eagle Rock came upon a house with a nautical theme (see photo). Which reminds me. As 2000 sails into the sunset, I want to say thanks to readers for contributing the dueling signs, scary menu items, dumb criminal tricks and unreal real estate listings over the last year. Let’s do it again in 2001.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., CA 90012, and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.