Youngest Children Need Their Own Quality Time

I read with interest Vicki Iovine’s column “When Littlest Ones Get Shorted on Quality Time” (Feb. 6). A woman had expressed concern about spending less quality time with her younger children than her older ones. She asked, “Is it too late for me to make it up to them?” I applaud her for noticing the disparity and wondering what she can do to correct it. However, Vicki Iovine’s response amazed me. She said, in essence, “Yeah, I did the same thing with my kids. But I’ve rationalized it so I don’t feel too guilty about it now. If it will help you feel better, you should take your younger kids out more.”

Her response addressed the need of the parent to feel better, but did not consider the effect of the parent’s neglectful behavior on the child. This response was particularly striking because Sandy Banks expressed a similar point of view in her column several months ago. She described her feelings of guilt for not having baby pictures of her youngest child when she had them of her older children. Banks felt guilty and sad for her child, but, like Iovine, ultimately minimized the problem. As a psychologist, I can tell you that denying the importance of giving younger children equal attention is not going to help them.

Children equate parental attention with love. If some siblings get more of it, they assume the other children are more lovable and more deserving. They also conclude that they are less so. The answer to the question “Is it too late for me to make it up to them” is “‘No.” However, doing so requires allocating time, attention and love equally to all your children.

NAOMI HIMMELFARB

Los Angeles