For Stolen Moments Away From the Kids, Sleep Is Pretty Sexy

In the novel “Heartburn,” Nora Ephron wrote that having a baby is like tossing a hand grenade into a marriage. A tiny, all-powerful emperor, the infant’s needs supersede parental needs for everything from showers to sex. Remaining lovers through the consuming, marathon days of child-rearing is, to put it mildly, a challenge.

Some couples go to extreme lengths: “We went to Las Vegas primarily to have sex,” said a 43-year-old Venice-based comedy writer and father of two young children. “We had dinner with friends and we were looking at our watches at about 10 p.m. because what you really want to do is sleep. You want to catch up on sleep more than you want to catch up on sex.”

“I would like to have more sex,” said the wife, a marketing executive. “But we are very tired, very tired.”

The sex life of most couples follows a U-shape pattern, said Marion Solomon, a West Los Angeles marital psychotherapist. Passionate in courtship, it dips with the birth of children, and--if couples work at it--takes a dramatic U-turn upward as children mature.

“You have to feel good, refreshed and that your needs are being met to feel sexual,” said Solomon. “Couples need to find new ways to support each other and to send each other loving messages. My husband and I used to get a hotel room during the day and be back in time for dinner.”

Spontaneity is a staple of hot sex, but as babies are born, flaming spur-of-the-moment romps are snuffed out by everyday routines. Advance planning becomes important.

“One night a week is ‘sex night,’ ” said a Marina del Rey screenwriter and mother of children, ages 2 and 7. “Once the kids are in bed, we take a bath together, talk, then get in bed early. We’re not rushed and we don’t worry about one person or the other initiating sex and getting rejected.”

The anticipation, she said, makes for mutual randiness.

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One couple finds spontaneity where they can: “We will go out for a few glasses of wine,” said a Los Angeles mother of two children under 6. “Then we go have sex in the back seat of the car. And there is always shed sex [as in toolshed], which is really great if the kids aren’t around.”

Dr. Daniel S. Stein, a New York-based gynecologist, suggests sending the kids to grandma’s for the night and starting foreplay early.

“Couples should leave little teasing phone messages or e-mails about the upcoming night, select special music, shop for special foods and prepare for it like a banquet,” said Stein, author of “Passionate Sex: Discover the Special Power in You” (Carroll & Graf, $26).

Removing the children from the premises isn’t an option for everyone. A San Diego couple laugh about how, when their two children were small, they made a Sunday morning ritual of tuning the television to “Sesame Street,” slapping waffles down in front of the girls and rushing to the bedroom.

A Buena Park couple uses a closed-door strategy as well, but they’ve come up with a different ruse. They’ve enlisted their unwitting daughters, 10 and 12, in the cause: “We just tell the kids that we are going into our room to discuss Christmas presents or birthday parties and that if they open the door, they won’t get anything,” said the wife. “It has to be early evening or midday because by bedtime, I am zoning.”

Even with the best planning, success is not always theirs. “Our youngest,” said the wife, “still pounds on the door.”

Birds & Bees is a weekly column on relationships and sexuality. Kathleen Kelleher can be reached via e-mail at kellehr@gte.net.