Hey, It’s Not Easy Being Green, Middle-Aged and Stereotyped Too
Middle-Aged Monster: Godzilla is apparently having a midlife crisis. Since turning 45 a few months ago, the giant lizard’s behavior has become increasingly unhinged.
Here’s a rundown:
* Nov. 3: Godzilla acts edgy and morose at a birthday dinner attended by colleagues Rodan, the Blob, the Smog Monster and Mothra Stewart.
* Nov. 8: Godzilla begins dyeing his scales, whitening his teeth and driving a 70-foot-long convertible.
* Nov. 12: Police respond to a domestic disturbance call at Godzilla’s Tokyo condominium, where Mrs. Godzilla is angrily confronting her husband about a lipstick stain on his shirt. Godzilla later moves in with a female monster half his age. Upon hearing the news, his eldest offspring, Son of, now studying theology at Notre Dame, disowns his father.
* Nov. 30: In an interview with Barbara Walters, Godzilla complains that he has been typecast by Hollywood directors: “They always want me to play a monster when I’m more suited for a romantic lead. For instance, I should’ve had Patrick Swayze’s part in ‘Dirty Dancing.’ I can also do cute. That mouse never should have gotten that ‘Stuart Little’ role.”
* Dec. 17: Godzilla resigns from his job destroying Japan and takes up oil painting.
* Jan. 22: The radioactive reptile sues TriStar Pictures for emotional distress and lower back pain suffered during the filming of 1998’s “Godzilla” movie. The lawsuit claims TriStar “did willfully and maliciously launch Sidewinder missiles at plaintiff as he peacefully window-shopped along Fifth Avenue.” But the judge declares a mistrial after Godzilla takes the witness stand and sneezes during cross-examination, incinerating TriStar’s attorney and two jurors.
* Jan. 30: An embarrassed Godzilla joins a gym after tabloids point out that his weight has ballooned from 20,000 tons in 1954 to 60,000 tons in his last film. Doctors order him to stop eating fried foods and power lines.
* Feb. 2: Godzilla files more lawsuits: Godzilla vs. Monster Zero, Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla, Godzilla vs. Bambi and Godzilla vs. Barney.
* Feb. 14: Godzilla returns to New York City--and announces he will run for U.S. Senate.
Voters now have a variety of monsters to choose from.
Deep Impact--the Fragrance: It’s about time. British fragrance experts have finally created a perfume that smells like a meteorite.
According to Wireless Flash News Service, the “essence of asteroid” scent was formulated by analyzing molecules from meteorite minerals. Quest International will market the fragrance, which has been variously described as smelling “sulfurous,” “metallic” and “smoky like gunpowder.”
Muslim Miniaturization Bureau: For $98, Muslims can now buy a digital version of the Koran. The electronic Koran is 3 inches long and also tells its owner when to pray toward Mecca and which direction to face.
Coming soon: a digital Zen Buddhist device that displays a blank screen, and a portable Hindu device that reincarnates into a Tamagotchi pet after it breaks.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Descendant of Jesus’ Killer Slapped with Wrongful Death Lawsuit! Relatives of Christ and Pontius Pilate to Square Off in Court!” (Weekly World News)
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Unpaid Informants: Ann Harrison, https://www.mindspring.com/%7Ermoseley/zilla.htm, Martin Miller, New York Times, San Francisco Chronicle. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays until April, when the column will be discontinued.