Love’s Labors Have Been Lost on Him, but That’s All About to Change

Sweetheart Deals: Valentine’s Day is still two weeks away, but we can already feel the love. Or maybe our straitjacket is on too tight.

Actually, Off-Kilter isn’t very optimistic about Feb. 14.

The last woman we went out with--a lovely schoolteacher from South Pasadena--vanished from the radar screen in November after date No. 5, saying she had to “go to Nepal.” Yeah, like we haven’t heard that excuse before.

So we’ve been rethinking our approach to courtship. For instance, maybe we should wait until after the first date to ask a woman about the size of her dowry. We always assumed it was never too early to discuss crucial compatibility issues, such as whether to squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle or the end, whether to raise the kids Catholic or teach them how to plant deadly nerve gas aboard Tokyo subways, and whether the woman’s family owns enough goats and other livestock to offer a suitable dowry.

We’ve also decided that wearing our shirts unbuttoned to the navel with manly silver chains is a huge mistake, primarily because silver looks kinda cheap. So from now on, gold chains only. Or sparkly New Age crystals.

Another weak spot is pickup lines. We’ve been relying on traditional conversation starters such as, “Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk with you.” But after consulting with New York-based pickup-line expert Monteria Ivey, we’re switching to the latest breakthrough in pickup science: “You have pretty eyes. They’re as blue as the water in my toilet.”

Lastly, we realized that women are no longer impressed by gifts of flowers, expensive chocolates or road kill. If you take your wooing seriously, give one of the following trinkets, which come to us courtesy of Wireless Flash News Service, Ship-of-Fools.com and correspondent Baird Jones:

* A life-size B-17 bomber from the American Airpower Museum in New York, $319,000. Makes a terrific paperweight, especially if your desk is at least a quarter of an acre in size.

* The Mother Teresa Weather Indicator. This beautiful statuette “miraculously changes the color of its habit” to predict the weather. Pink means rain, blue signals clear skies, $10.

* A 65-million-year-old T-Rex dinosaur skull, being auctioned at https://www.millionaire.com. Minimum bid: $5.8 million (includes free shipping). Some assembly required.

* The Oreck XL, a vacuum cleaner with a built-in FM radio in the handle, $420.

* Finally, nothing says “I love you” like a toy model of the 1961 Lincoln Continental convertible that whisked President John F. Kennedy to his assassination. Comes with figurines of JFK and Jackie in the back seat, $50.

Sign of the Times: Spotted in San Diego: A 62-year-old unemployed anthropologist standing on a corner with a placard that says, “Will Do Anthropology for Food.”

Crunch Update: In response to our recent column on the disappearance of Cap’n Crunch, Quaker Oats has shipped us several packages of Cap’n Crunch clocks and cereal to give to winners of our contest, which closes Monday.

Hmmm. We’re starting to think we should do a column on the U.S. Mint and see what it sends us.

Best Tabloid Headline: “Top Psychic Warns . . . Hitler Is Coming Back From the Dead--And This Time It’s No More Mr. Nice Guy!” (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Ann Harrison, London Times, Baltimore Sun. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.