When the Body Starts to Sag, Don’t Ignore Spouse’s Uplifting Words

Dear Vicki: I know this may make me sound insecure and “Hollywood,” but my problem is that I want plastic surgery, and my husband has absolutely refused. After two kids and 11 months of breast-feeding, my bust line is a disaster, and I have been dreaming of getting a breast job for the last three years. I know it’s expensive and we’re not rich, but I have found a doctor who has a financing plan with monthly payments we could afford.

I’ve done all the research, and I just know implants would help my self-confidence incredibly. Not only that, but even though he doesn’t admit it, I think my husband too is disappointed by my new figure (or lack thereof). What can I say to help him see things my way? He says I am still beautiful to him, and I shouldn’t change a thing. But if I don’t feel beautiful, what good is it?

--VICTIM OF GRAVITY

Dear Victim: Women who have given birth are often left with battle scars, and sinking breasts and stretch marks are at the top of the list. I guess if we moms were completely enlightened beings, we would view these casualties as medals of honor for service above and beyond the call of duty, but . . . well, you know.

Over the 11 years since I had my first baby, I have had the opportunity to be in groups of women without their shirts (I’m referring to the communal dressing rooms at the gym showers), and I feel pretty safe in saying that any woman who boasts that her breasts actually got firmer and rounder after pregnancy and nursing is suffering from a personality disorder.

As far as I can tell, the only natural remedy for restoring your bust to its former fabulousness is another pregnancy. But, as we know, that’s only about 12 more months of glory.

It would be frivolous of me to suggest that getting implants is no big deal. First of all, it is surgery usually requiring general anesthesia. Second, stories abound of women whose surgeries resulted in lopsided or hard breasts, and who either have to settle for their new appearance or spend the money to have the surgery redone. I should also mention the controversy surrounding silicone implants.

Third, no matter how great the new set may be, anyone who is familiar with them (like your husband) will probably still notice the implants. And therein lies the rub (no pun intended). If you plan to get this surgery to turn on your mate, you may fail. I have heard many stories about men who never bond with the new breasts in town, no matter how lovely.

Now let’s talk about the most important part of your question: Should you do this surgery for your self-esteem, and tell your husband that he has a free pass for a penile implant in the next 15 years? Only you can know for sure. Ask yourself, “Am I presenting this subject as a done deal to my husband without giving him a chance to state his views?” If you answer yes, it’s time for a long conversation with him about your feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. This might also be the time to invite him to visit the plastic surgeon with you to hear about the medical considerations. Who knows? He might appreciate being involved and made to feel his wishes matter too.

The single, childless and free-spirited gal who lives in my married-with-children, hyper-responsible body says, “Hey, it’s your body. Do what you want with it!” Unfortunately, 19 years of being with my mate have taught me not to listen to that skinny inner broad too often. She has no clue about the compromises and adjustments people make to stay married.

If, after more discussion with your husband, you still don’t come to an agreement, my advice is to take him at his word. If he says you are beautiful as you are, count your blessings and start getting your justifications together for a face lift in another 20 years.

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Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mailGrlfrndsVI@aol.com.