LAUGH LINES

Pumped-Up Prices: “Gas prices are still going up in Southern California. In fact, gas prices in Beverly Hills are so bad, people there are now actually using ‘self-serve.’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

Feeding the Addictions: “Phillip Morris announced the purchase of Nabisco. . . . That means the company makes Oreos, Marlboros, Miller Beer, Maxwell House and Sanka Decaf. Philip Morris now has the addict’s life covered from cradle to grave.” (Argus Hamilton)

Sporty Stamps: “The U.S. Postal Service is honoring the sport of baseball by placing images of 20 baseball greats on commemorative stamps. They are very special stamps. . . . After you lick them, the 33 cents allows you to scratch yourself and spit on the ground.” (Jerry Perisho)

Getting the Boot: “You know who was voted off the ‘Survivor’ island? A guy named Joel Klug. . . . They said they voted [him] off the island because he was dishonest, he was condescending, he was disrespectful to women. And I’m thinking, God, he’s lucky he wasn’t impeached.” (David Letterman)

Oh, Thank God: “A study published in the American Psychologist indicates that mothers who have low IQs do not pass that trait onto their children. And somewhere on the beach in Malibu, Pamela Anderson Lee is breathing a sigh of relief.” (Ira Lawson)

Pinhead Potential: “The Journal Science reports that Swedish researchers have invented a robot smaller than the head of a pin. One day, they will be able to do surgery with them. In America, we’re already running pinheads for president.” (Hamilton)

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