For Conventions, TV Reality Is the Ratings Basement

Poor Democrats. Poor Republicans.

A mere television show, a fictional contrivance called “The West Wing,” gets 18 Emmy nominations and blue-chip ratings, and yet the presidential conventions, the set piece and showpiece in each party’s struggle to occupy the real White House, are gasping like landed trout, starving for the rich air of prime-time network TV.

Only a few convention hours out of many will wind up on network TV. The swan-song speech by the president of the United States might find itself losing the battle for air time to an NBC tabloid show called “Access Hollywood,” which would only put Bill Clinton on TV if he reenacted his Monica moments.

The lunch-table talk in America is TV, not politics--whether “Mega” gets voted off that reality show, not what pol will partner George W. Bush at the top of the GOP ticket.

Knowing that, knowing that a large number of Americans get their political news from late-night comics and an even larger number get no political news at all, smart political consultants should be getting their man and his clan all over the tube--where America pays attention.

Daytime TV

“General Hospital”--Al Gore guests as the head resident whose surgical team performs an emergency sex-change operation for a preoperative transsexual who suddenly gets called to read for a big part. Bush guest stars as a compassionate HMO administrator who must ship uninsured patients to public hospitals but who insists on sending them off with two aspirin and a hypoallergenic pillow.

Prime time

“Antiques Roadshow”--Both candidates assess the value of Ronald Reagan.

“Law and Order”--Bush plays the prosecutor and Gore the defense attorney in the appeal of a death row inmate whose DNA tests show that the real murderer was either O.J. Simpson or Bart Simpson.

“Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”--The candidates agree that a million dollars isn’t what it used to be. Gore’s lifeline is Clinton, Bush’s is his dad’s Cabinet.

“Survivor”--A desert island, the Gore family, the Bush family and one bucket of KFC.

“Ally McBeal”--In the voting booth on election day, Ally fantasizes first about Gore as president, then about Bush. She defects to Canada, seeking political asylum.

Sports

“Monday Night Football”--Both endorse a constitutional amendment requiring the instant replay on disputed calls.

“WWF”--Bush in the red bodysuit, Gore in blue, three falls out of five. Jesse Ventura referees.

Cable

“Sex and the City”--Bush guest stars as Sex, but he’s really, really sorry for any youthful indiscretions, even though he won’t say what they are. Gore stars as the City.

“Make Me Laugh”--Bush and Gore try to crack up contestants with campaign promises.

“History Channel: World at War”--Gore reminisces about his close shaves as an Army journalist in Vietnam; Bush reminisces about his close shaves in the National Guard.

“The Sopranos”--Bush and Gore debate the fine differences between organized crime and campaign financing.

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To their discredit, the major parties, terrified of the appearance of discord, have rendered their galas unwatchable, as inbred and drab as a debutantes ball. Even “spontaneous” moments are cued and scripted, the juice and fire of real politics sucked dry and stamped out. People watch “The West Wing” as a kind of soap opera-civics lesson that real party handlers and operatives would never let them see.

The cowardliness extends to Congress and to the FCC, which lets broadcasters program virtually as they please, for example, not requiring them, as a condition of licensing, to broadcast political debates and events at every level of government, at something other than insomniac hours.

So broadcasters hide their required public-affairs shows like dirty socks, stuffed into the small hours of Sunday mornings. To meet their weekly requirement of children’s educational programming, they’ve tried to get away with the TV version of ketchup-as-a-vegetable, palming off junk like “GI Joe” by saying that it taught children about patriotism, and was therefore educational.

And compared to these conventions, maybe it is.

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Patt Morrison’s column appears Fridays. Her e-mail address is patt.morrison@latimes.com