No Questions Asked

E-mails and letters to this column pour in by the hundreds each and every day. These were not among them:

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Dear Mike:

My big brother and I are having an argument. I say “Big Brother” is the worst show on television. He says “Big Brother” is the worst show in the history of television. Which of us is right?

--Burt from Lancaster

Big brother.

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Dear Mike:

Do you think Dick Cheney will have much of an impact on Republican running mate George W. Bush’s chances to be elected president?

--Johnny from Carson

I certainly do. Cheney is from Wyoming. It stands to reason therefore that he and Bush could gain the support of every registered Republican voter in that state. According to 1998 estimates, Wyoming had a population of 480,907--or only 133,103 fewer than Alaska. A man in Bush’s position simply cannot afford to ignore states like these with literally hundreds of voters.

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Dear Mike:

Al Gore needs a running mate who will be honest, decent, reliable, trustworthy and faithful. Will he get one?

--Roberto from San Clemente

I sure hope so. He didn’t in 1992 and 1996.

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Dear Mike:

O.J. Simpson spoke out for 2 1/2 hours last Thursday night on a Web site known as ASKOJ.com. I know that his Internet audience was asked to pay $9.95 apiece, but much of the money reportedly went to charity. What does that tell you?

--Alec from Baldwin Park

Crime doesn’t pay--much.

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Dear Mike:

Protesters are organizing in Los Angeles for the upcoming Democratic National Convention. Which protest group do you expect to be the largest and loudest?

--Jesse from Ventura

Probably the one with thousands of women violently protesting Brad Pitt’s decision to marry Jennifer Aniston.

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Dear Mike:

Would you happen to know what extra security measures Philadelphia’s police are planning to take during this week’s Republican convention?

--Otis from Redding

A reliable source informs me that Philadelphia cops have been instructed to punch, kick and clobber as few convention visitors as possible, so as not to encourage any kind of continued informal competition with L.A.’s.

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Dear Mike:

In his terms in Congress, I understand that Dick Cheney voted against the Equal Rights Amendment as well as against a ban on armor-piercing bullets and plastic guns that can pass through security metal detectors. True or false?

--Jane from Tarzana

True. Cheney is a Constitution supporter who clearly believes in what our forefathers advocated--a country with equal rights for gun owners but not for women.

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Dear Mike:

Pat Buchanan needs a way to get his personal ideology and political message across to the American people the same way other presidential candidates do. Any suggestions on how he can go about this?

--Frederick from Orange

Well, Buchanan’s staffers could be a big help by wearing their campaign buttons in public. You know, the ones with their slogan: “In Your Heart, You Know He’s Wrong.”

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Dear Mike:

I see that the professional golf tour is still trying to keep that poor, physically impaired Casey Martin from riding in an electric cart when he plays. Do you think his using a cart is fair?

--Dan from San Marino

No. I believe every pro golfer should get to use an electric cart, except for Tiger Woods. Now, THAT would make things fair.

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Dear Mike:

Lance Armstrong fought cancer, which makes him physically challenged too--so how come HE gets to ride?

--April from Perris

You’re right. If Casey Martin wanted to compete in the Tour de France, he’d probably ask for a bike with a motor.

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Dear Mike:

I have been seeing advertisements for a new movie, a well-reviewed documentary about Tammy Faye Bakker. How do you think this film will do?

--Jim from Bakersfield

There won’t be a dry eye in the house.

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Dear Mike:

Do you have children? And if you do, do you encourage them to read that new Harry Potter book?

--Shirley from La Verne

Yes and no. I do have children, but that book is so thick, by the time children finish reading it, they won’t be children anymore.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to: Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com.