Just the Man to Solve the Universal Time Warp

So what type of tour does your average genius astrophysicist request on a visit to L.A.? Why, a tour of Universal Studios, of course. The amusement park made special arrangements for Stephen Hawking, who is paralyzed as a result of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. Hawking didn’t have to wait in line to get inside, or he might have written a longer sequel to his book, “A Brief History of Time.”

GETTING PERSONAL WITH YOUR CAR: The wild 1967 Mustang in the coming movie “Gone in 60 Seconds” is named Eleanor (in the 1974 version, Eleanor was also a Mustang).

Some other screen names of motor vehicles (all more affectionate than the ones I had for my 1962 Ford Fairlane):

* Nellybelle: the ancient Jeep driven by sidekick Pat Brady in the 1950s “Roy Rogers” television show;

* Herbie: the Volkswagen Beetle in the 1969 movie “Love Bug” and various sequels;

* Christine: the title star of the road-raging (and driverless) 1958 Plymouth Fury in the 1983 movie;

* KITT: the talking Pontiac Trans Am piloted by David Hasselhoff in TV’s “Knight Rider.”

And, of course:

* Mother: the 1928 Porter in the short-lived TV show “My Mother, the Car.”

THEY DIDN’T GET THE PLOT: Abraham Kleiman of Sherman Oaks says that when he slipped a joke into an otherwise serious sale notice of two cemetery plots, some callers were puzzled, “especially when I told them I could sublease it to them until I needed it” (see accompanying).

ANOTHER WAY TO GO OUT: “Just when I was getting to the age of having to decide--cremation? burial? shot into space like Timothy Leary?” began the note from Michael Selsman of Beverly Hills.

He enclosed an ad for a shredder that suggested, “Why not recycle paper trash into packing material and mulch yourself?”

Selsman noted that, as a farewell, mulching oneself would be “ecologically satisfying--and an opportunity to grow . . . “

MAYBE YOU COULD SAY YOU’D JUST HAD A RELATIVE MULCHED: Henrietta Lavin noticed that a Chatsworth church isn’t accepting one form of absent excuse on Sundays (see accompanying).

UNREAL ESTATE: I’m careful about not printing the addresses of residents in this column. So in case you’re wondering, and despite what this real estate flier would indicate, Hosia and Julie Towery of San Luis Obispo do not live at:

“2 bedroom 2 bath it slod for $250,00 Just Did!” (see accompanying).

PSST! HEY MISTER, ARE YOU A SENIOR? I mentioned that since there seems to be a trend toward merchants demanding proof of age before granting senior discounts, it’s only a matter of time until the appearance of counter signs that say, “If you’re under 100, expect to be asked to show your I.D.”

Ron Layman of Whittier had to show his driver’s license at a thrift shop to qualify for the over-55 discounts. And he’s 66. (I forgot to ask him if it was a teenage clerk, teenage clerks being unable to distinguish between a 35-year-old and a 75-year-old.)

Anyway, I had this thought: I wonder if unscrupulous middle-aged shoppers will soon begin acquiring fake I.D.’s showing they were born in the 1930s?

Or will some fortysomethings stand outside stores and ask real oldsters to buy them stuff inside at senior-discount prices?

miscelLAny:

For your unusual-cases file, the police log of the Los Alamitos News Enterprise reports that authorities were notified that “a man was trying to use his deceased father’s prescription for Viagra.”

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.