Neighbor’s Snub Hurts Kids and Puzzles Mom
Dear Vicki: I’ve got a real stumper for you: We recently moved into a nice, kid-friendly neighborhood and were thrilled to discover that two little boys, roughly the same ages as my son and daughter, 3 and 5, live next door. What a dream come true, right? Wrong. For reasons we cannot begin to fathom, the parents will not allow their boys to play with my children. It’s gotten to the point where we’ll step outside into our yard and they’ll quickly shuffle their boys inside. Every day, my son asks the boys’ stay-at-home mom if he can play with “Ben” and “Jerry,” and he is repeatedly told, “Not today.” My heart is broken daily when I see my kids pining through the fence. I don’t know how to handle this situation. There are no apparent religious or cultural differences between us, so I can’t see that as being a reason for this avoidance behavior. And I should add that all the kids are as sweet as can be and suffer no behavioral problems. Please advise.
--WHERE’S THE WELCOME
WAGON LADY?
Dear Where: I’ve struggled with your letter for two weeks before responding in this column, so puzzling do I find your neighbor’s paranoia, if not downright hostility. I’m so curious about this conundrum that I am tempted to ask your neighbor myself why she’s treating your kids as if they were close personal friends of Typhoid Mary. Then it struck me: Who really needs these kids? As great as it would be to have two perfect playmates living right next door, you might just have to join in with the rest of us moms who have to venture into other neighborhoods, if not other area codes, to find appropriate play dates. Why do you think SUVs were invented? Hey, if this generation of kids were free to roam the block on which they live, especially at your children’s tender ages, all moms would still be wearing starched aprons and pearls when they greeted their insurance-selling husbands coming home for supper at 6 p.m. on the dot. Maybe it’s simply that the Addams Family lives next door in a home full of secrets and probably has a dragon in the basement to which Lurch feeds little children. As the saying goes, good fences make good neighbors. Get involved in a couple of preschool play groups and the occasional Mommy and Me class, and you’ll have more friends than the Goldfish crackers that live under your sofa cushions.
Still, like you, I would be pretty ticked off and personally offended to have my precious darlings dismissed so unceremoniously. You’ve mentioned that your kids have asked the neighbors to play, but you haven’t said whether you have attempted a mom-to-mom powwow. It doesn’t sound too promising, but it could bring some closure to the matter. So if you feel inclined to pursue the matter with the mom, knock yourself out. Just try to have the conversations outside in the daylight and safety of your yard or hers. One of a couple of things might happen. First, she may actually have some very valid reason for keeping the willing friends apart. Perhaps there is an illness that you can’t ascertain by looking through the fence. Maybe they home-school and choose to keep to themselves. If that’s the case, accept it for now.
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As all the kids get older, go to school and are allowed to wander beyond the watchful eye of their moms, you might discover the two little neighbor boys ringing your doorbell and asking to come in to play Nintendo with your kids. Ultimately, it’s the kids who take charge of their friendships and make us parents adjust to our wider social circle, so you better be ready for this kiddie matchmaking. The more you long for best friends for your kids from the house next door, the more you single out that unfulfilled relationship for your children to focus on. Get over it and get with a different crowd. Your new neighborhood sounds like good pickings for other likely kiddie candidates a couple houses down or around the block. Think about it. Would you really feel comfortable letting Morticia take your precious babes into her house and out of your sight? Who knows, she may have a giant gingerbread oven in there just waiting to cook them. Play down your disappointment in front of your kids. If you’re lucky, the mom will give you some explanation you can sink your teeth into (although I sincerely hope her children are healthy and well). And be patient, those boys may be barging into your life in a couple of years with unbridled impatience to finally get out from under their mother’s eye.