GatesGate Swings Open
June 7, 2000--A federal judge today ordered that Microsoft Corp., the software superpower, be dismantled into two separate companies. If upheld by the Supreme Court, the decision would make Microsoft--similar to AT&T; and Standard Oil--one of the largest American business firms ever to be broken up by the government.
July 2000--Bill Gates, chairman and co-founder of Microsoft, argued before the U.S. Supreme Court today that the United States should be broken up into two separate countries. Gates was critical of the United States’ monopoly in matters involving the United States, claiming that “small businessmen like me” would get a much fairer shake if there were an East United States and a West United States.
August 2000--Citing as “patently absurd” Microsoft’s suggestions, the Supreme Court today refused to divide the United States into two separate United Stateses, by a vote of 6 to 3. Microsoft was ordered forthwith to help Microsoft’s competitors copy Microsoft’s computers, to tell Microsoft’s secrets to Microsoft’s enemies and to disclose if Bill Gates’ private password is his date of birth.
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September 2000--Still fuming over the government’s sticking its nose into his big business, computer czar Bill Gates said he “might just name my two new companies Microsofter and Microsoftest and let the feds figure out which is which.” Gates also threatened to personally buy up AT&T; and call it Bill Bell. He said that if a monopoly is such a bad thing, how come the government lets Tiger Woods win all those golf tournaments?
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October 2000--Atty. Gen. Janet Reno sent in armed federal troops at 4 o’clock in the morning to seize Microsoft headquarters in Washington state, after several weeks of failing to persuade Microsoft chairman and cult leader Bill Gates to unlock the front door. Authorities with guns drawn arrested Gates and several hundred employees, all dressed in white shirts with pencil pouches and Dilbert coffee cups.
November 2000--Top executives at Microsoft Corp. finally capitulated to government demands to bust up the company. Following the explicit written instructions of jailed boss Bill Gates--now fully bearded and in the 50th day of a hunger strike--the software conglomerate was split into not two but 22 different corporations, including ones named Microgates, Billville, Mini-Me, Micro-Me, Computers R Me, I’M Not IBM, Mister Microsoft, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Microsoft, America Off Line and McSoftware.
December 2000--The GatesGate scandal dragged on into another month, with embattled software strongman Bill Gates accused of failing to comply with a judge’s instructions to “grow up.” Prosecuting attorneys demanded that Microsoft separate its Internet Explorer from its Windows operating system, scoffing at Gates’ claim that “the system is down right now, but it should be up again any minute.” The government also alleges that thus far, Gates has turned over only useless Windows 96 and 97 data, hiding the valuable 95 and 98 stuff.
January 2001--U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson, who made the ruling last June that the Microsoft Corp. be split into separate companies, has created further controversy by ordering Kleenex, Jell-O and Scotch tape to make everybody stop asking for a Kleenex, some Jell-O and a roll of Scotch tape “and start asking for a tissue, some gelatin or a roll of that clear sticky tape,” to keep things fair. Industry analysts expressed concern as Kleenex stock blew sky-high, Jell-O wavered and Scotch tape held firm.
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February 2001--A White House spokesperson pleaded with PC potentate Bill Gates to drop his feud with the government, claiming that not a single one of Washington, D.C.’s computers has worked since Gates’ defeat in court. “No missile can be launched, no top-secret message can be decoded and no government official can even be paid until Microsoft tells us how this software works,” the spokesperson said tearfully. Hackers employed by Gates reportedly have been replacing sensitive FBI and CIA files with Tomb Raider, Jeopardy! and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire home PC games.
March 2001--Bill Gates, beard down to his belt, weight down to 105 pounds, was released from a federal prison today after agreeing to comply with the government’s edict and finally let somebody else control some of the planet’s computers. Having spent more than a trillion of his own dollars in fighting the government’s action, the Microsoft chairman confessed that he was down to his last 2 trillion and feeling the pinch.
Gates further gave assurances that he and other Microsoft employees would immediately “stop reading everybody else’s private e-mail, which we admit was probably wrong.”
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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com
