Emperor in a Can

“Napoleon also invented canned food.” --Vice President Al Gore, offering a historical point during a wide-ranging conversation with staff members of the New York Times last week

*

The Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte has called a special meeting of his general staff:

“Thanks for coming, guys. Take a pew. I know it’s 5 in the morning, but I just had an idea that can’t wait. Now, I like to say an army travels on its stomach.”

“If you’ve said it once you’ve said it a thousand times, excellency.”

“See, Ney knows. Ney listens. Ney, I’m making you a marshal! But guys, you know it as well as I do. My army’s stomach is dragging. We go on the road and the eats--phew! Mutton’s all gone in a week. So bread and cheese, cheese and bread. Then we run out of that and it’s forage time. Soldiers chasing chickens instead of Spaniards and Austrians, You can’t fight on an empty stomach. Somebody take that down. Anybody take that down?”

“Excellency, we tried that Army Gold Card in all the restaurants.”

“Right, Murat. And how many decent restaurants are there between here and Austerlitz? But let’s cut to the chase. We bring our own food, we’re a lean, mean fighting machine.”

“But, excellency, you said it yourself. A loaf of bread four months out of Paris--we can use it for a cannonball. And the meat, yuck. Not to mention all the fresh fruit turning into sponges.

“If you just dump it in a cart and hope for the best, Bernadotte, sure. But not if it’s canned! What’s with the looks? Have I got a piece of asparagus in my teeth?”

“Er, excellency, you mean, like, carry the food in a bucket? Chief, that’s a winner!”

“No, no, no, Murat! Canned! Sealed in an airtight container to stay fresh indefinitely! Little tin cans. I’m telling you guys, it works! How I know is, Josie hid a chocolate bonbon in one of her jewel boxes for a snack, oh, months ago--you know how she likes her sweets--and forgot all about it. Found it last night. Fresh as the day it was made. Because that jewel box was airtight!

“Tannenberg-brand condensed marching cheese!”

“Josephine Meal-on-the-March K-rations that meet the Third Directorate’s nutritional guidelines for daily vitamin intake and a balanced diet!”

“Now you’re cooking, guys. But personally, I like ‘Emperor’ as a brand name. Big ‘N,’ superimposed on a gold eagle on the label. Here, I even did a sketch.”

“So every time a dogface pops a can, he thinks of the Emperor and the glory of the Empire and France.”

“Exactly, Ney. Not just an ego trip. It’s targeted marketing! What are you writing there, Bernadotte?”

“ ‘Emperor-brand hardtack with that chewy, sealed-in, fresh-from-the-commissary flavor,’ excellency.”

“I like, I like! Tag line: ‘A Snack Fit For an Emperor.’ Too corny? Not too corny?”

“Excellency, you missed your calling, Well, no, obviously you didn’t, if anybody didn’t you didn’t, but I mean, that, excellency, is inspired.”

“OK, we launch with a blitz. Me, enjoying a canned snack with a little cloud thing coming out of my mouth: ‘A Snack Fit for an Emperor!’ painted on all the drumheads, on the sides of the wagons, maybe on big flags.”

“But, excellency, there is one hitch--”

“Way ahead of you, Murat. Know what this is?”

“Uh, well, excellency, not exactly. Surgical instrument?”

“A shoehorn? A thingamajig for opening stuck snuffbox lids?”

“No, you knuckleheads! It’s an emperor-brand, jiffy-quick, one-twist portable can opener!”

“How do you get the can open? Excellency, that was my very next question! And you’ve answered it!”

“So what else is new? I always have to do everything around here.” *