Working to Rekindle the Flames of Love

Last week’s column, which focused on why it is so difficult for couples to regain intimacy after sexual dry spells, seemed to hit home for readers in long-term relationships. Many asked for more advice from sex experts on how to build a bridge back to intimacy following sexual estrangement. Several veterans in the field were happy to offer help:

* Ask each other, “What can I do that will allow us to move back toward intimacy?” said Paul Abramson, a UCLA professor of psychology. Both parties have to take responsibility for their part in the estrangement. They should honestly explore what they really want from intimacy; it may not be sex, but more cuddling, holding or belly-to-belly hugging. Then again, it may be more sex. Empathy and respect for each other’s feelings, desires and differences foster a willingness to meet each other’s needs.

* Dare to know what you want and ask for it directly. “It might be ‘I am exhausted,’ ” said Gina Ogden, a Cambridge, Mass., sex therapist. “ ‘You do the dishes. I’ll take a shower and see you in 20 minutes.’ Or it might be specific romantic moves such as ‘I want you to kiss me and lavish me with rose petals.’ If your mate is unresponsive, look for the subtext of your request. Maybe there is a need to hear a reassuring ‘I love you.’ ”

* Break the habit of not touching. Initiating regular nonsexual touching breaks the paralysis of no-physical contact, builds trust and creates emotional goodwill, said Lonnie Barbach, a San Francisco-based psychologist. It keeps sexual feelings primed so shifting to sex is less awkward. Showering together, washing each other’s hair, exchanging foot massages, taking walks and holding hands literally keep mates connected. “Couples need to get comfortable just touching and talking before moving on,” said Barbach. “One person may feel ready but the other is not. There is going to be insecurity. But if a couple waits to feel 100% comfortable having sex, they will never do it.”

* Unresolved emotional conflicts squelch desire. Anger and feelings of resentment often underlie a sex strike. “Sometimes a partner is so angry, they can’t create erotic pleasure with their mate,” said Carol Rinkleib Ellison, an Oakland-based clinical psychologist. “People who hold onto anger have a harder time moving back into intimacy.” The angry mate needs to be asked what it will take to make them feel safe and what level of intimacy is agreeable. Ellison advises couples to engage in nonsexual touching, a safe, gradual way to move toward deeper intimacy. Generally, sex melts anger, but if hostilities are so inflamed that a couple no longer feel attracted to each other--but, presumably, they still want to work it out--they should see a therapist.

* She: We have sex all the time. He: We never have sex. Couples with mismatched libidos need to find sensual ways to be together that are agreeable to both, said Ann Langley, a therapist at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, so that the low-desire partner feels no pressure for intercourse. (See “Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse,” by Marty Klein; Tarcher; 1999). And don’t underestimate the power of the much maligned “quickie.”

“The partner with low sexual desire can have a quickie as a giving act, as something they know will please their partner,” she said. One 67-year-old man and his wife schedule a weekly tryst even though she would prefer to do so less often. The wife accommodates her husband, said Ogden, because it is important to him. Ogden said that when she sees couples whose sexual desire is out of sync, she asks the person with higher sexual desire what they mean when they say, “I want more sex.”

“When you cut to the chase, it often boils down to something more than just physical stuff,” said Ogden. “Like emotional closeness, eye contact, and that ability to talk and really enter into each other’s psyches and lives.”

Then again, they may just want more sex.

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Birds & Bees is a weekly column on relationships and sexuality. Kathleen Kelleher can be reached at kellehr@gte.net.