LAUGH LINES

Caffeine Fix: “In Chicago, gasoline runs $2.69 a gallon. $2.69? What are they making it out of? Starbucks coffee?” (Jay Leno)

Home Sweet Home: In Money magazine, “among the best places [to live]: Bend, Ore., Fort Collins, Colo., . . . The worst place to live . . . one of Al Gore’s rental properties.” (Leno)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Top Tips for Being a Good Juror

10. Why let the judge have all the fun? Bring your own gavel.

9. Not enough evidence? Remember: Heads--innocent. Tails--guilty.

8. After every statement, mutter, “Yeah, right.”

7. Wait for a quiet moment, then loudly make sound of electric chair.

6. If sequestered, exercise your constitutional rights and demand a hooker.

4. Be considerate: During trial, play Gameboy with the sound off.

3. Sit in the second row--no one can tell if you’re wearing pants.

2. Ask the attractive stenographer if she wants to do a little “jury tampering.”

1. Remember: Everyone’s guilty.

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