GOP Debate: Nudge, Nudge, Smirk, Smirk, Say No More

So much was happening Thursday night that many viewers didn’t get to watch the televised presidential debate sponsored by CNN and the Los Angeles Times.

The three Republicans--Arizona Sen. John McCain via satellite from St. Louis, Texas Gov. George W. Bush and Alan Keyes, a former U.S. ambassador to the United Nations Economic and Social Council--were questioned in Los Angeles by CNN’s Judy Woodruff and Jeff Greenfield and Times Washington Bureau chief Doyle McManus.

With Tuesday’s crucial California primary so near, the following transcript of the debate is offered as a public service.

Woodruff: We begin with Gov. Bush.

Greenfield: And my question predicated on Sen. McCain’s appeal to Democrats and independents.

Bush: Which I will respond to by not responding and instead delivering a stump speech about “what America is looking for” that is meant to impugn the candidacy of my dear friend, John McCain, whom I despise.

McCain: While I, as the new mellow me, smile stiffly from afar and wish I were there to ram my pen up your nose.

McManus: As I ask you about your denouncement of those pillars of the extreme religious right, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.

McCain: While I smile, mentally rip out your tongue and wonder if anyone is noticing the steam shooting from my ears.

Woodruff: After which it’s time for me to ask Ambassador Keyes how he reconciles his claims of a “moral crisis gripping this country” with America’s general well-being under President Clinton.

Keyes: Which I shall answer by comparing Clinton to Dr. Mengele while glaring contemptuously at you for being the media worm that you are.

Bush: As I attempt to suppress the beginnings of a silly smirk.

Keyes: Which I counter with an arrogant sneer.

McCain: As I do a superb impression of Max Headroom from this television monitor while wondering how I could have been stupid enough to do this from St. Louis.

Greenfield: As I hit Gov. Bush with a complex question.

Bush: To which I will respond in voluminous detail as if really knowing what I was talking about while wishing you were Regis Philbin and wondering if it’s time to use a life line.

Keyes: While I prepare to scorn everyone who does not recognize the wisdom of my divinely inspired opinions and my abundance of the hollow, muscular organ that receives blood from the veins and pumps it through the arteries by alternate dilation and contraction--known to the rest of you as heart.

McManus: But not before I challenge you to disclose how you, as president, would address what some have said is Hollywood’s “coarsening of our culture.”

Keyes: A sniveling query, typical of the godless media, which I shall ignore and instead lecture you and the rest of America on the evil of deliberately inducing the expulsion of an embryo or fetus, which the rest of you simpletons of limited intellect and vocabulary know as abortion.

McManus: Which I will follow by asking you to answer the question I asked.

Keyes: Which I will finesse by giving an evasive response so long and serpentine that by the time I am finished neither you nor anyone else will remember the question.

McCain: As I grin like an idiot and wonder what you would look like with my fist in your face.

Woodruff: After which comes my question to Gov. Bush about his controversial appearance at Bob Jones University.

Bush: Which I pretend to answer confidently by citing my record of inclusion in Texas while praying that no one notices my inner panic and the pool forming beside my shoe.

Greenfield: Which I will follow by asking Sen. McCain if, given his boast of never winning the Miss Congeniality contest in the Senate, he could work effectively with Congress to get his reforms through.

McCain: As I smile graciously at this unfair reference to my temperament and false reports of my explosive personality while longing to greet you in person and rearrange your face.

McManus: After which I will ask Ambassador Keyes why he is even taking part here given his failure to attract many voters.

Keyes: Which I will address by saying that the presidency doesn’t matter while hoping that no one asks me why, then, I want the nomination as I cover my tracks by dismissing Bush and McCain as the microbes that they are.

Woodruff: As I ask Gov. Bush if he really believes that big political contributions come with no strings attached.

Bush: Which I proceed to evade by passionately attacking Atty. Gen. Janet Reno while while wondering if it’s time to mention my mother.

Keyes: As I think to myself how I would love to be here listening only to myself talk about my great passion for me instead having to endure the clumsy verbiage of my sniveling opponents and these retrograde questioners.

Woodruff: As I mention that we have time for one last question for all three of you about the Internet.

Keyes: Which I shall ignore and instead impress the cosmos with a scintillating monologue on campaign reform while denouncing that bug McCain and other politicians as hypocrites in language so exalted and glorious that my tongue will glow like a Roman candle.

McCain: As I smile warmly and wish that a swarm of flesh-eating weevils would visit your tongue.

Woodruff: As I plead with Ambassador Keyes to get back on track.

Keyes: While I pretend not to hear as I euphorically absorb the full splendor of my voice while regretting not wearing a toga and bringing along someone to accompany me on a lyre.

Woodruff: After which it’s time for closing statements.

Keyes: That I will begin by restating my deep affection for myself while mesmerizing Republican voters whose past rejection of me at the ballot box I accept as affirmation that I am overqualified to be president.

McCain: Compared to which I will come across as a hologram.

Bush: After which I will unleash a withering barrage of slogans and platitudes designed to touch every willing heart as well as unwilling body parts that may become willing in this season of cynicism if I can slam dunk this primary.

Woodruff: As I beam all of you back to your respective planets.

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Howard Rosenberg’s column usually appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. He can be reached via e-mail at calendar.letters@latimes.com.