Constitutional Consternation

The terms of the President and Vice President shall end at noon on the 20th day of January. . . .

. . . If a President shall not have been chosen before the time fixed for the beginning of his term . . . the Congress may by law provide for the case wherein neither a President-Elect nor a Vice President-Elect shall have qualified, declaring who shall then act as President . . . and such person shall act accordingly until a President or Vice President shall have qualified.

--Amendment XX, U.S. Constitution

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First proposed by the Congress of these United States back on March 2, 1932, this handy little amendment was ratified more than 10 months later, on Jan. 23, 1933 (a few weeks before Franklin Delano Roosevelt was inaugurated, he being our last president to be sworn in on a March 4 rather than a Jan. 20).

I guess nobody must have thought of it until then.

When we, the people of the United States--in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquillity and all that other good stuff--first saw our Constitution put into effect on March 4, 1789, we forgot to insert a clause having to do with the possibility of nobody being elected president.

You know, the No-Win clause.

Covered in our original articles only were stipulations that our president:

* Hold office four years.

* Be a natural-born U.S. citizen.

* Be 35 or older (and be living in the U.S. for 14 years).

* Be on a two-person ballot with a person from a different state.

* Be paid “a compensation.”

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Now, I’m a patriot, but I’ve always had problems with these compulsory elements.

1. Why four years? (Why not two for your first term and six for your second, if we dig you enough to vote for you again?)

2. What, no foreigners? (You mean we’re prejudiced? In this, “the land of the free”?)

3. Who decided on 35? (You’re smart enough to vote at 18, but too ignorant to run for 17 more years?)

4. How come no same-state candidates? (Dick Cheney was living in Texas at the time George W. Bush chose him. Cheney reestablished a residence in Wyoming to get around the Constitution. Would two Texans be so bad?)

5. How much compensation? (It’s about to go up to $400,000 per year, but what gets taken out of your check? Federal withholding? White House garage parking?)

Oh, and then there’s that little section in Article II, Section 1, a section I’ve been busy rubbing with my yellow highlight marker:

“The Person having the greatest Number of Votes shall be the President, if such Number be a Majority of the whole Number of Electors appointed;

” . . . and if there be more than one who have such Majority, and have an equal Number of Votes, then the House of Representatives shall immediately chuse [sic] by Ballot one of them for President.”

To which Amendment XII (not ratified until 1804) added:

“The person having the greatest number of votes as Vice-President shall be the Vice-President.

” . . . and if no person have a majority, then from the two highest numbers on the list, the Senate shall choose the Vice-President.”

Well, there you have it.

So many citizens rabidly defend our Constitution on any subject--free speech, speedy trial, double jeopardy, bearing arms--that I trust they’ll stand by it if it really does turn out that our United States of America . . . can’t figure out who won!

Recount Florida, re-add Oregon, remultiply New Mexico, redivide Iowa, subtract Wisconsin, carry the five, revote, recall Nader, liquid white-out Buchanan, subdivide Palm Beach, can’t forget the Motor City. . . .

HELP!!!

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I surrender. I cry Uncle Sam. My country is in desperate need of somebody to ensure our domestic tranquillity.

What do we do? Who do we turn to? For once in my life, I need someone to lead me. I’ve never played this “Who Wants to Be a President” home game before. How do you win?

Suppose we exhaust every alternative. Gore won’t give, Bush won’t budge. How do we get out of this Frank Capra movie we’ve stumbled into? Who shows up to be sworn in at 11:59 a.m., Saturday, Jan. 20, 2001? Can we figure out Amendment XX before Super Bowl XXXV?

What if we do need somebody to “act as President”? Who do we get? Michael Douglas? Alexander Haig? Justice Rehnquist? Judge Judy? Sen. Rodham Clinton and her longtime companion, the First Gentleman?

President Albright? President Powell? President Drudge? The Gipper? Tipper?

Is Pat Paulsen alive? Where have you gone, Harold Stassen? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Wanted: A leader, by late next January. No experience necessary. Good pay, benefits, interns.

Oh, to heck with the Constitution. I say we let Bush and Gore go at it again, best two-out-of-three.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to: Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com