My Mom, the Palm Beach Turncoat

So I decided to check in with my mother, who lives in West Palm Beach, to get the latest.

“I don’t know why people are having such a hard time believing that Pat Buchanan got 3,700 votes down here,” she said.

“Well, because most of the voters are elderly Jews from New York.”

“Hey, I got news for you,” she said. “There are a lot of people down here who voted for Buchanan, only they’re afraid to admit it. In fact . . . “ She cut herself short.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“No, no. In fact. In fact what?”

“All right. You want to know?”

“Yes, I do.”

“OK. I voted for him.”

“You what?”

“I voted for Buchanan. There. I said it. And I’m proud of it. And so did your father and Aunt Eleanor and Uncle Murray, and my neighbor Blanche and her husband Irving. Should I go on?”

“But I don’t understand. You’ve always been a dyed-in-the-wool Roosevelt Democrat. What happened?”

“I’ll tell you what happened. I opened my eyes and saw a robust, confident man with a nice full head of hair, who opposes the Kyoto agreement. And that sister of his. What a doll. You should’ve only married someone like that.”

“Have you ever heard some of the statements he’s made about Jews?”

“Oh Jews, shmews. Hey, I’ve said plenty of nasty things about Jews, too.”

“He’s defended Nazi war criminals. He called Hitler ‘a man of great courage.’ He’s anti-Semitic, anti-gay and a racist.”

“Oh listen to you, Mr. Politically Correct.”

“Ma, this guy’s a maniac.”

“Why? Because he wants to abolish the Department of Education? We need that like we need a hole in the head. In fact, he wants to reduce the whole federal bureaucracy, which, come on, Larry, let’s face it, it is a bissel bloated.”

“I think your mind’s a bissel bloated.”

“Oh, I suppose there’s something wrong with wanting to rebuild our military. I keep telling your father how we must retrench and rearm. We must reclaim American invincibility and complete the Reagan legacy by deploying a missile defense system.”

“So then those votes for Buchanan weren’t a mistake?”

“Mistake? He should’ve had even more votes. Unfortunately, almost all my friends in the condo got confused and voted for Al Gore.”