The Plot Not Only Thickens, It Spreads

The manipulation and chicanery used in holding up George W. Bush’s confirmation as winner of Florida’s electoral votes are part of an obvious Democratic Party plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

The decision by the Florida Supreme Court to let that state’s hand count of election ballots continue until 5 p.m. Sunday is part of an obvious and underhanded Democratic Party plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

The mild heart attack suffered by Republican vice presidential nominee Dick Cheney is part of an obvious and devious Democratic Party plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

The fact that the heavily Democratic county of Miami-Dade has refused to continue its hand count, a clear blow to Al Gore, is nevertheless somehow part of an obvious and unbelievably sneaky Democratic Party plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

The refusal on Thanksgiving Day by the Florida Supreme Court to force Miami-Dade County to continue its hand count, yet another serious blow to Al Gore’s chances, is part of an obvious (though not at the moment) Democratic Party plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

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The 1976 drunken-driving arrest of George W. Bush was part of an obvious and Byzantine bordering on Machiavellian 24-year-old Democratic Party plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

The theory that Al Gore won the nation’s popular vote and should at least find out for certain whether he won Florida’s popular vote, which would make him president of the United States, is part of an obvious and sour-grapes Democratic Party plot to make Al Gore president of the United States.

The “dimpled” ballots that a Palm Beach County judge said shouldn’t count were obviously all for Al Gore and nary a one for George W. Bush, all part of an obvious but increasingly desperate Democratic Party plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

The attempted move of vote-counting to a smaller room where somebody could destroy, pocket or eat pro-Bush ballots if Republicans don’t pound on the door screaming “Let us in!” is just another clever part of the Democratic Party plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

The claim that Reform Party presidential candidate Pat Buchanan accidentally received votes intended for Al Gore is part of an obvious joint Democratic-Reform Party plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

The ingrown hair on Gov. Bush’s cheek is part of an obvious Democratic Party plot to do whatever’s necessary to alter Almost President Bush’s image with the public, thus making sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

The 1,500-plus overseas absentee ballots voided by Florida election officials, because they hadn’t been postmarked by Nov. 7, are part of an obvious Democratic Party, military commander-in-chief and postmaster general plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

The lawsuit filed by several Texas residents questioning whether Dick Cheney improperly changed his primary residence from Texas to Wyoming too late before being placed on the Republican ticket is part of an obvious Democrat Party prejudice against all Texans in general, and of course to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

The possibility that hundreds, dozens or even a single vote could tip the entire election is something Republicans would never in a million years point out if it were Gov. Bush who trailed by even a single vote, just one more example of the Democratic Party plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

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The fact that other states like Iowa and Wisconsin aren’t recounting is part of an obvious and lily-livered Democratic Party plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

The resignation of Peru President Alberto Fujimori, marriage of Michael Douglas to Catherine Zeta-Jones and USC football victory over UCLA are part of an obvious Democratic Party plot to make sure that Al Gore gets to be president of the United States.

But the ultimate triumph of George W. Bush is that he’ll win, no matter what dirty rotten tricks anybody tries.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to: Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com