LAUGH LINES

Perk Up: “I don’t want to say [the presidential and vice presidential debates were] boring, but today the FDA has approved a new pill you can take during these debates. It’s called RU-stillawake.” (Jay Leno)

Low Blow: “TV ratings for the first [presidential] debate were the lowest in 40 years. The vice presidential debates were worse. To give you some idea of how few people watched, imagine for a moment all the critics who gave a thumbs-up to Steven Seagal movies gathered together in one place.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

A Good Scare: “George W. Bush got tangled up trying to explain his prescription drug program. Al Gore denied he has a compulsive lying problem. This year, Halloween won’t be nearly as scary as Election Day.” (Argus Hamilton)

The Essential David Letterman

Top Cool Things About Winning a Gold Medal

10. Makes you most impressive person at any party, unless Marion Jones shows up.

9. When customs asks you if you have anything to declare, you can say, “Nothing . . . well, if you don’t count this genuine Olympic gold medal.”

7. You can get, like, $100 bucks for it on EBay.

6. In my case, it means you kicked some serious Russian butt.

5. The instant marriage proposal from Darva Conger.

4. Makes know-it-all brother-in-law’s “Most Improved Bowler” trophy look pathetic.

3. Fun walking past guys with bronze medals and muttering, “Loser.”

1. No tie? No problem.

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