No Business Like Dad’s Business

An open letter to Rupert Murdoch, chairman of News Corp., media mogul extraordinaire and, with any luck, my future dad.

Dear Mr. Murdoch:

I couldn’t help but notice that your 29-year-old son, Lachlan, was recently promoted to deputy chief executive officer of News Corp., the company you control that owns 20th Century Fox, the Fox network and a host of other high-profile media assets.

Public filings noted that Lachlan took home a salary and bonuses totaling $1.5 million for the fiscal year ending in June, with another $9 million in stock options. I can only assume your other son James, 27, currently chairman and chief executive of News’ Satellite Television Asian Region Ltd. unit, is also doing well for himself, along with your daughter, Elisabeth, who served as managing director of Sky Networks--in which News holds a 40% interest--before striking out on her own in May.

So without beating around the bush, here’s my proposal: Having given it much thought, I would like you to adopt me.

Now please understand, I respect that the entertainment industry is a true meritocracy and nepotism would never play a part in my future career opportunities should I become a member of the family. Anyone who has admired the acting of Sofia Coppola in “The Godfather Part III,” lined up to see movies featuring Connery . . . Jason Connery, or owns more than two Enrique Iglesias CDs can testify to the fact that in this business, even the sons and daughters of the rich and famous make it completely on their own.

Still, I’ve been working for years without the benefit of what might be called “family connections,” and so far, all I have is this silly little column to show for it.

Unfortunately, no one in my own family ever had the foresight to buy a group of television stations or chain of newspapers. Given my chosen vocation, I have always found this to be extremely selfish and shortsighted on their part and would happily disown them if necessary to be welcomed into the Murdoch fold.

I certainly wouldn’t expect any special treatment within News Corp. in the wake of my adoption. I’d happily accept an entry-level position within the company--perhaps as president of entertainment for the Fox television network. Given that this position has gone through a half-dozen executives in the past decade, it would be a good place for me to learn the ropes of the family business, as it were.

Another option would be to install me as editor of one of your newspapers, perhaps the New York Post. I have already been practicing my headline writing skills, such as “Hillary’s Bad Hair Day,” “Al Can’t Hide His Lyin’ Eyes” (over a picture of Democratic candidate Al Gore looking skyward) and “Madonna Havin’ Another Bambina!”

Though you have ceded daily oversight of the Dodgers to Bob Daly, by virtue of your ownership position you might also be able to get me a front-office tryout, and from what I’ve seen, the team could use some help in the management and public-relations departments. Like Daly, I’ve been watching sports my whole life and feel confident I couldn’t do much worse running the franchise than Fox has since taking over.

Here’s just one attendance-boosting idea I think you’ll like: If the Dodgers fall below a .500 winning percentage after the All-Star break, women will be encouraged to kiss each other in the stands, and each night one lucky ticket-holder will be chosen to marry a multimillionaire on live TV.

While you are not the only proud dad who employs his kids, the Murdoch clan--with its wide array of media holdings--seems the ideal family for me. Most people inform me politely that I am best-suited to an off-camera role, otherwise I might have extended this proposal to producer Aaron Spelling. I even considered approaching World Wrestling Federation Chairman Vince McMahon, until he boasted during a speech last week that he would fire the family members on his payroll if they don’t deliver.

Of course, I recognize it’s not always easy to be the child of a powerful and successful parent, but I feel capable of enduring the jealous sniping and second-guessing that comes with the territory. If nothing else, I figure those stock options will pay for a lot of therapy.

Just to clear the air, I freely admit to having criticized you in the past, before coming to the realization that hard work and independence are overrated. With the entertainment industry having consolidated in the way it has, I see now that you were merely a visionary, well ahead of your time.

What’s the point of being a big old lovable media octopus, after all, if you can’t use one tentacle to scratch the other? Why shouldn’t Fox News Channel, HarperCollins publishing or the New York Post provide vehicles to subtly punish your rivals (love those snide Ted Turner headlines) or further your political agenda?

Why not have Fox-produced programs occupy the vast majority of time slots on the Fox network? And who says those pesky actors and producers suing Fox for cutting sweetheart deals when selling reruns of programs to Fox’s TV stations or FX cable channel deserve fair-market value for their share of the profits? It’s obvious to me now, if it wasn’t then, that they’re all a bunch of spoiled whiners.

Viacom, Time Warner and Disney don’t operate any differently, right? And you anticipated long before anyone this was going to be a global media business, which means gobbling up channels and spreading influence all over the world--delivering entertainment, news and sports via a sprawling web of networks and satellite services.

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In that context, who has time to fret about journalistic standards or whether some producer is going to make $100 million or a mere $70 million on the one and only hit he’ll probably ever have in his life? In this business, you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs.

Given that I’ve seen the light, think of any negative articles written in the last 15 years as a rebellious period of youthful indiscretion, which I have finally outgrown.

So what do you say, Mr. Murdoch?

Would it be OK if I called you Dad? And if you’d prefer another daughter instead of another son, take my wife . . . please.

Brian Lowry’s column appears on Tuesdays. He can be reached by e-mail at brian.lowry@latimes .com.