LAUGH LINES

Kiss Up: “Al Gore shot up in the polls since he gave Tipper that big kiss [onstage at the Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles]. . . . He’s trying to keep that momentum. Here’s a word of warning: Keep in mind that if you do kiss a politician, you are not only kissing him--you’re kissing every butt that he’s kissed for the past eight years.” (Jay Leno)

Playing Politics: “ ‘Survivor’ analysts say Richard [Hatch] won due to his uncanny ability to gain others’ trust, betray them and yet somehow retain their support. . . . Give this man a cigar . . . and he’s Bill Clinton.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Signs Your Kid’s School Is Too Crowded

10. Kid comes home happy saying, “I got to ride inside the bus today!”

9. Principal sends warning: “He’s not skipping class enough.”

8. Teacher needs a U-Haul to bring home the book reports.

7. Losing 60 to 70 kids on class trip is considered “successful.”

5. Class photo is taken using government weather satellite.

4. The teacher calls out “Gus Van Rauschenback” and 17 kids say, “Here.”

3. Last spring’s school bake sale brought in $1.25 million.

2. There’s a waiting list to get your [butt] kicked by the school bully.

1. The kids actually outnumber the rats.

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