CBS’ ‘Survivor’ Down to the Uber-Nuclear Family

Playing armchair shrink on a Thursday night is now a ritual for millions of regular television viewers. Degrees are dusted off and hung on living room walls, as audiences around the country sit back and carefully analyze each contestant on CBS’ “Survivor” as if they were patients on their own couches. I personally should send Jerri, the aspiring L.A. actress/accomplished outback bad girl, a bill for all the hours I’ve logged examining her dysfunction.

Over the weeks, they’ve formed alliances. They’ve merged tribes. They’ve ousted threats. But have the million-dollar-hungry contestants on the colossal hit show “Survivor: The Australian Outback” become a family? Yes. By last week, the tribe had dwindleddown to a nuclear family and not just any nuclear family, but the uber-nuclear family.

Meet the clan; model parents Keith and Tina--he’s a chef from the Midwest, she’s a nurse from Knoxville, Tenn.--with Lone Star buck Colby as the prodigal son. Elisabeth, the button-nosed sweetheart with trigger-sensitive tear ducts, remains the perfect daughter. And don’t forget most recent bootee Rodger, the 53-year-old church elder from Kentucky, with his moonshine blend of homespun wisdom and kindly warmth continuously radiating grandfatherly charm. Following the natural course of family events, sweet old Grandpa Rodger last week was put in the proverbial home for “his own good.”

Removing Amber, the doe-eyed 22-year-old whose tightly wound pigtails appear to have cut off her capacity for free thought, was another masterstroke in painting the picture-perfect family. She was the weaker, less-liked daughter--so she got the boot, thereby repositioning Elisabeth as the favorite daughter. Look how Keith and Tina dote over their golden children, Colby and Elisabeth. And grandpa and granddaughter could not have been any closer (well, if they were, it would be unsettling).

In this perfect family unit, Keith represents the ideal patriarchal dad--he thinks he’s running the show, but as we all know it’s mom who is behind tribe machinations. The Rice Saving Event exemplified dad’s misguided dominance.

A rescue mission was undertaken to retrieve the tribe’s remaining food supply, a tin of rice, after a flash flood ripped through the contestants’ camp, carrying the canister down the river, where it got trapped in the rapids. Dad had to be the man and get the rice, even if he didn’t know what the heck he was doing. Mom, stronger and smarter but not wanting to wound dad’s pride, swims briskly across the river as he pussyfoots uneasily upstream.

Tina could have brought the rice back herself, but encouraged Keith to help, fortifying the image of the perfect patriarchal family. Tina knows this model works best for her own plans because she can wield quite a bit of control and avoid confrontation or blame. She never gets the brunt of the family’s anger quite like dad.

The eldest son, as was bound to happen, finally rebelled against dear old dad. Colby realized that dad isn’t perfect--that dad is human (or to use Colby’s grown-up words: “This guy’s a bozo”). So Mom and Dad will send their eldest son out into the world, keeping their yet unspoiled, unsullied and appreciative daughter Elisabeth in the nest.

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It will inevitably turn toward a battle between child and parents. The parents know what’s best, after all. But this daughter is faster and stronger. Mommy Tina grows jealous of daughter Elisabeth’s beauty and strength, mourning that which she once possessed. Daughter Elisabeth is growing up and getting smarter and savvier. Her wise mentor--Rodger/Obi Wan--is no longer there to guide her but his spirit will lead her on through her challenges.

As her parents desperately try to retain control and power, perhaps their daughter will use her newfound strength and skills to pose quite a challenge to the hierarchy. Perfect daughter Elisabeth becomes their worst and ultimate rival. Yet, no one is more determined to survive than a middle-aged man on the brink of extinction. As fellow armchair shrink Lisa Schwarzbaum writes in Entertainment Weekly: “Keith’s that untamable thing: He’s middle-aged-man old, with a midlife determination to succeed. (He won two immunity challenges in a row on sheer orneriness.)”

Now that his biggest threat--the back-talking, no-respect, rebellious daughter Jerri--is gone, Dad’s biggest concern should really be his dear wife (who loves him in that as-long-as-you-serve-a-purpose way). Deep down Tina has no respect for her husband. She’s married to a schmuck and she knows it. And it won’t be difficult or even gut-wrenching to kick him out of the house when the time comes.

But Dad knows that no one really respects him. He understands when they laugh at his occupation. They give him cursory respect as the head of the household. Just enough to make him feel like a man. Keith lost the reins of the family to Tina long ago (probably around the time when he pleaded for athletically and mentally superior Mom to let him win the stand-on-a-log-the-longest immunity challenge--a pathetic midlife male moment). Mom Tina makes the real decisions. As Grandpa Rodger explains: “I told them maybe we shouldn’t put the camp in a dry riverbed. But the girls wanted it there so . . . “

The person to see through all Mom’s connivance and phony motherliness is the daughter. She’s also the only one brave enough to stand up to her shadowy power. Elisabeth is Luke. Tina is Darth. Be strong, Elisabeth. Before I take down my degrees and return them to their drawer, let me remind you what Kentucky Joe taught you. Use the force. Use the headdress. The headdress, I tell you.

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* “Survivor” airs Thursdays at 8 p.m. on CBS.

Matthew Shepatin is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles.