He’s Following the Road Less Traveled

It is, of course, impossible to leave the driveway this time of year without immediately running into road construction.

Just why they call it construction is beyond me.

From my parking spot in the backup, the only thing I ever see being created is an opportunity to clean the glove compartment.

To be more accurate, road construction should be called obstruction .

Triangular signs should warn of obstruction zones, and traffic reporters should talk about obstruction delays, and people who work at these sites should be called obstruction workers. Road obstruction--yeah, I could definitely work in this field.

Mind you, I’m not planning to go anywhere, but it’s hard to feel secure about any job these days.

What with layoffs and buyouts and the ever-present temptation to quote noted proctologist Johnny Paycheck to the boss, you need to be looking for your next gig.

If I ever did go into road obstruction, I think I would be best suited for one of the support positions--such as hole watcher. Every obstruction site--by law, I believe--must be staffed by at least two guys who stand off to the side and stare into the hole.

Caution: Hole watchers should not be confused with shovel leaners or pickup-truck sitters. I’ve considered these positions, too, but concluded I lack the coordination to be a shovel leaner and the ambition to become a pickup-truck sitter.

The other obstruction-site occupation I wouldn’t be interested in is traffic god. I mean, I might be drawn toward this calling if I were a police officer, because the way road obstruction works, police officers are only assigned if the obstruction is minimal or there is no traffic.

If, however, traffic is heavy and/or a complex intersection is involved, then traffic control is handled by a temp worker undergoing on-the-job training in the intricacies of the Stop and Go paddle.

Anyway.

There seem to be two classifications of hole watcher: senior hole watcher and entry-level hole watcher. The senior hole watcher’s main job is to tell the entry-level hole watcher when to jump into the hole.

Although a lot of people think the entry-level hole watcher jumps into the hole to perform some complex task, this is not the case. The only reason he jumps into the hole is so the senior hole watcher can determine how deep it is.

For this reason, if you want to be an entry-level hole watcher, it’s to your advantage to be of an even height. And I’m exactly 6 feet tall.

So, you know, I’ve got that going for me.

Plus, orange is my color.