What Was Really on the Lost 181/2 Minutes

Breakthroughs in audio technology may enable researchers to recover an 181/2-minute gap in a conversation between President Nixon and his chief of staff, H.R. Haldeman, taped shortly after the Watergate burglary.

The White House chat was thought to be lost forever when the president’s secretary, Rose Mary Woods, “accidentally” erased the recording. Here’s our best guess at what was lost:

Richard Nixon: The [expletive deleted] intellectuals hate me anyway.

H.R. Haldeman: So, we just sit here and talk about nothing for 20 minutes and then Rose Mary erases it?

N: That’s right.

H: So years from now eggheads will pull their hair out wondering what was on the tape?

N: Nixon 1; Eggheads, 0.

H: Mr. President, that’s why you’re president. Can I shake your hand?

N: Sit down, Bob.

H: Yes, Mr. President.

Pause.

H: So, we just talk? Like I’m doing right now?

N: That’s right.

H: But not about Watergate. Or the war or the economy--basically anything to do with politics?

N: That’s right.

H: Like if I said you’re planning to bomb Hanoi this Christmas ....

N: [Expletive deleted], Bob!

H: Sorry, sir.

N: That’s just the kind of thing my enemies are going to jump on. Don’t make me put your name on the list!

H: Sir, don’t put me on your enemies list.

N: I’m not saying you’d crack the top 50, but I won’t hesitate to put you on the list.

H: Yes, sir. I’m sorry, sir.

N: All right, all right.

H: Yes, sir. I’m sorry. Sorry.

N: Relax, Bob. Relax. It’s not like I’m going to force you to resign.

H: Ha, that’s a funny one, sir!

Laughter dies down. Pause.

H: How much time you think we’ve got left?

N: Lots of time.

H: What should we talk about?

N: Whatever grabs you, Bob.

Pause.

H: Do we have to talk?

N: Yes. We have to keep this as realistic as possible.

Pause.

H: Can I see your enemies list?

N: No.

Pause.

N: Well?

H: I’m thinking, sir .... My barber would like to cut your hair.

N: Oh, [expletive deleted] Bob. Maybe I should do this with Kissinger. That [expletive deleted] guy may not sound like it in public, but you get him behind closed doors, one-on-one, and he’s [expletive deleted] interesting.

H: Don’t call Henry. I can do it.

N: OK.

Pause.

H: How are the wife and kids?

N: Fine. Just fine, thanks for asking. Yours?

H: Fine. Thanks for asking.

Pause.

H: I’m spent.

N: Bob!

H: No, wait, I just thought of something.

N: Shoot.

H: If you had a CB radio what would your handle be?

N: Good, that’s good, Bob.

H: Barbara Walters asked me that question at a cocktail party.

Sound of drawer opening.

H: I thought we were going to have a conversation.

N: We are.

H: Why are you shaving?

N: It’s 11 a.m. My 5 o’clock shadow is here.

H: It’s kind of distracting, sir.

N: You can’t talk and watch me shave at the same time?

H: You’re right. I’ll press on.

N: My CB handle is “The Shadow.” It used to be “Bebe Rebozo,” but then I actually met Bebe.

H: Very magnanimous of you, sir.

Pause.

H: Don’t you want to know my CB handle?

N: Of course. What is it, Bob? Second banana? Second fiddle?

H: No, it’s “Deep Throat.”