‘Graduates’ of Enron Have Little to Cheer
Not so many years ago, in a rare burst of creativity, corporate executives came up with a kinder, gentler way of describing the dumping of employees.
They were not fired, or furloughed, or laid off.
They were downsized.
Now the whizzes at Enron have come up with a new and improved way to describe thousands of employees who, with the holidays fast approaching, have had their heads lopped off.
They are alumni.
“Information for Enron Alumni Affected by Chapter 11 Filing,” says a heading on the company Web site.
I don’t know how Enron had time to post the information, as busy as it was looting the vault before creditors came calling. And I’m not just talking about the likes of Enron boss Ken Lay, who walked away with enough change in his pocket to buy the Texas Rangers.
On the eve of filing for bankruptcy and handing pink slips to 4,000 new alumni, Enron quickly and quietly doled out $55 million in bonuses to 500 employees.
Bonuses?
The Labor Department is investigating Enron’s possible looting of employee retirement funds.
Shareholders, their gold turned to dust, are suing for “chicanery and financial manipulation.”
Congressional representatives are screaming about insider trading and shameless profiteering.
The company goes down like the Titanic, leaving thousands of people clinging to life rafts.
And these guys are handing out bonuses for a job well done?
Yes, I know the argument. There’s no hope of salvaging the company if key employees are not retained, and some of those who got bonuses were such hotshots they earned millions.
Well if they earned millions, why do they need another wad of bills in their stockings?
Dumped employees, meanwhile--oh, I forgot, they’re alumni--have been told their severance pay will amount to no more than $4,500.
And Merry Christmas to all.
Those who reaped millions did so on the backs of those grunts, by the way. They essentially gambled with their employees’ pensions, investing wildly at no risk to themselves.
I spoke briefly to a fresh alum in Northern California who was so shellshocked, and so concerned that her true feelings would frighten potential employers, that she excused herself to go put her life back together.
“We had 20,000 very talented employees, and it was only the actions of a few people who caused this to happen,” said Joe Phelan, who was alumnied Monday in Houston from his job in corporate development.
Newly unemployed Brandon Rigney is running a Web site for others who’d gotten the short end of the stick, and more than 5,000 people had signed on. The idea is to maintain social contact, as well as keep abreast of job prospects.
Scrooge had nothing on Enron. Come to think of it, the savings and loan bandits were pikers compared to these guys.
“The amount of self-enrichment is extraordinary, and it’s going on right up to the end with these 500 bonuses,” said Phil Schiliro, press secretary for U.S. Rep. Henry Waxman (D-Los Angeles).
Waxman has set up a tip line for Enron employees to drop a dime on executives who might have withheld information about the company’s sad state. He also fired off a letter to Vice President Dick Cheney, urging him to cough up details of meetings early this year with Enron execs.
Enron, which helped bankroll President Bush’s campaign, later consulted the White House on energy policy, as frightening as that is.
Waxman wants to know just what was said, and how much faith Cheney placed in a band of bozos who couldn’t run a two-car funeral.
And to think that Enron, a Fortune 500 star, was held up as a shining example of the new economy. To tell you the truth, I could never even figure out what they do.
They don’t turn on the lights. They don’t run windmills. They’re energy traders, whatever that means. Middlemen.
Which is a way of saying their business was about getting their hands on other people’s money and rolling the dice on Wall Street, with the help of enablers like Morgan Stanley.
Did you hear? Morgan Stanley is thinking of buying Enron. The new company will be called Moron.
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Steve Lopez writes Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He can be reached at steve.lopez@latimes.com
