Union of Sex, Faith Found Wholly Compatible

Sex and religion may seem like strange bedfellows, but the two subjects are a natural match. And though the notion of sex as a sacred act is not new, a spate of new books attests to a growing interest in the topic, said Lynn Garrett, religion editor at Publishers Weekly, a New York-based trade journal for the bookselling and publishing industry.

“We are seeing more and more of these in the last few years because religion is responding to a greater openness about sex in our society,” said Garrett.

In contemporary America, the first books on sex from a religious perspective were written by evangelical Christians some 25 years ago, she said. “If they don’t respond, they lose by default. They have to defend their worldview against secular views and the slide in people’s moral values. These books are out there to defend orthodox views and to say ‘God is not against sex.’”

A search on Amazon.com for books on “sex and religion” produced more than 600 titles, dealing with every denomination. There is the new edition of the Christian evangelical “Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in a Christian Marriage” by Ed and Gaye Wheat. And Mother Teresa’s “A Plea for Purity: Sex, Marriage & God,” co-authored with Johann Christoph Arnold. For Buddhists, “If Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path” by Charlotte Sophia and Charlotte Davis. And, of course, the bestsellers “Soul of Sex” by Thomas Moore and “Kosher Sex” by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.

God is definitely all for sex, said Boteach, who has been called Dr. Ruth with a yarmulke. In “Kosher Sex,” Boteach discusses oral sex, masturbation, pornography, adultery, sex toys and flagging desire among other things.

According to Boteach, sex is the most holy of human marital endeavors and is as religious a subject as the belief in God. The core Jewish teaching on marital sex is that shared pleasure is the central ingredient and glue to a fulfilling sex life and a healthy marriage, writes Boteach, founder of the Oxford L’Chaim Society, now based in New York City.

“There is a Jewish religious tradition that advocates that husbands and wives reserve the night of the Sabbath [celebrated on Fridays] for a special night of passion,” said Boteach. Couples are encouraged on the Sabbath to give each other mitzvahs (Hebrew for “blessings”), a euphemism for making love. “The Sabbath is a day when we are alleviated from the week’s tensions and anxieties and when we engage in holy activities like making love. Finally, and perhaps most important, Judaism views sex as the highest form of knowledge between a husband and wife ... when two people see each other without a filter.”

In the Jewish tradition, said Boteach, a man is obligated to make passionate love to his wife and must put her pleasure before his own. “When a man takes a wife, he must provide her with food, sustenance, beautiful clothes and sexual pleasure,” said Boteach. “If he denies her that, in our religion, it is grounds for divorce.” Indeed, if either a wife or husband withholds sex, they are considered a “rebellious spouse,” also grounds for divorce, writes Boteach.

All of the world’s great religions hold that sexuality is a sacred thing, said George St. Laurent, professor emeritus of religious studies at Cal State Fullerton. St. Laurent said that this is why premarital sex is taboo. “Sex is the expression of the total surrender of one person to another, and it should culminate a life of self-giving in an ongoing basis,” said St. Laurent. “Sex outside of marriage is the culmination of nothing. The deepest spiritual meaning is divorced from the sex act if the couple is not committed to each other.”

Starting with the story of the Garden of Eden, sexuality emerges as God’s plan, God’s romance, said St. Laurent. “God designed sex as the expression of total self-surrender between a married couple,” said St. Laurent.

“It has two purposes--the life-giving procreative purpose and the love-giving unitive purpose. Because sexuality is so sacred and holy, modesty is the protection of it.”

Although the brutal repression of Muslim women by the Taliban in Afghanistan has dominated the news, Islam recognizes the sexual desire within both men and women and does not call for its suppression, said As’ad AbuKhalil, a professor of political science at Cal State Stanislaus who teaches a class on gender and sexuality in the Middle East.

“There was no timidity about sexual matters in original Islam and the practical Islam of the first two centuries, not to be confused with the puritanical Islam of the Taliban and present-day Saudi Arabia,” said AbuKhalil, author of the forthcoming “Bin Laden and the Taliban: The New American War Against Terrorism.” “The prophet Muhammad’s men used to brag that he had the sexual prowess of 80 men. Sexual positions were openly debated by the clerics. Islam is a very un-ascetic religion. ... There is a belief that sex and other earthly pleasures are to be enjoyed” within certain moral boundaries.

Evangelical Christians have recently been addressing the issue of sex--in books, at seminaries and workshops--in an effort to give a Christian perspective in a world where “hooking up” and impersonal sexual liaisons are on the rise among young people. “There is definitely more of an openness now about sexuality among Christian leaders,” said Judy Balswick, an associate professor of marital and family therapy at Fuller Theological School of Psychology in Pasadena. “There is an effort now to talk about how sex is a path to a more deep, intimate knowing and being known that leads to the deepest kind of unity in a marriage ... something that keeps a marriage vital.”

Marriage and family therapist Wayne Muller, an ordained clergyman in the United Church of Christ and author of “Sabbath,” writes that making love puts humans in union with God and that sensuality and touch are a language of healing and of blessing. There are innumerable metaphors across religions that “invite us to make love with the divine,” he writes. The Song of Solomon is one such metaphor, a love poem between a man and woman that suggests becoming one with a beloved is tantamount to spiritual fulfillment:

How beautiful are your feet ...

the curves of your thighs are like jewels ...

your waist is a heap of wheat set about with lilies

your twin breasts like two fawns.

Although most organized religions teach that sex outside marriage is less than holy, Thomas Moore, a former Catholic monk and author of “Soul of Sex,” writes that the kind of passionate, developing sexuality that leads to “the deep work of the soul” can be found in long-term relationships outside of marriage, gay or straight.

Spiritual union is found not beyond sex and sensuality but through it, Moore explains. Sex is a contemplation, ritual, prayer and communion of two people who, over time, work out sexual difficulties and old frustrations and emotional blocks to find a way to bliss, he writes. Moore calls this “the alchemical work of the soul.”

“It is no small thing ... to practice at sex until it is free of interference,” writes Moore, “for this is the nature of deep alchemy by which we rough and primitive individuals become persons of refined sensibility capable of union with other humans.”

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Birds & Bees, a column about relationships and sexuality, runs Monday. Kathleen Kelleher can be reached at kkelleher@adelphia. net.