Mulletheads, Reunite!

It’s an ordinary Thursday night at a Japanese restaurant in Hollywood, and a comedian is giving mullet haircuts onstage. Diana Alouise produces the weekly comedy lineup at Amagi’s on Sunset Boulevard, usually “L.A.’s Premier Karaoke Spot.” Alouise is on a one-coiffeuse quest to reintroduce the mullet into the culture. Swathing her volunteer in a black haircutting cape, the comedian chews gum while cutting and weaving with scissors and commentary. She must be kidding, right?

Why a mullet, why onstage--and why today?

I’m from Nebraska, where everyone still has mullets, and my goal is to get America back to where it was and where Nebraska is now. It’s an ‘80s thing. Plus, Jimmy Brogan (comedian and former head writer for “The Tonight Show”) said he’s been doing stand-up 30 years and never seen this before.

Help me remember the ‘80s.

A mullet is a 1980s white-trash haircut. A beaver paddle, swong, wheat sack, Camaro hair, hockey hair, the Achey-Brakey-Big-Mistakey. But I call it the duo do: all-business in front, all-party in the back!

No front porch and a whole lotta awning in back.

Exactly. After 4 1/2 years on the road as a stand-up, I placed ads in the L.A. Weekly and the Recycler: “Need extra cash? Hair models wanted for stage production.” I got 20 calls in a week. I also want to do full-on make-overs--dress ‘em up, put ‘em in Brownie outfits. You also cut hair professionally, correct?

A 75-buck mullet in L.A. is 25 in Nebraska. In Nebraska, it’s in your roots; there are lots of home-owned salons. You do it down in the basement. Here I started working in a salon thinking I could meet a lot of men. Which I did. Gay men. They never want to date me, they just want to borrow my shoes.

This is at Nick Chavez’s in Beverly Hills?

Yes. Only in Beverly Hills do people have potbellied pigs as pets and bring them into salons. One of them had makeup and painted pink French tip hooves, a diamond purse. You think that’s ridiculous, you should have seen its head shots. But no matter where I work, women always bring in pictures of women they want to look like. I end up saying, “These are scissors, not a magic wand. I need a ‘Jurassic Park’ animatronic team to work you over.”

What about men’s hair?

There’s a procedure now instead of hair plugs, where a doctor will make an incision down the middle of a man’s bald spot, then pull the two sides up together so they meet. Scalp reduction. Maybe it’s me, I’m kind of quirky, but I prefer the guys that I date to have their ears on the side of their head.

How can I personally avoid all this?

Never let your ex cut your hair.