Humor Can Cure the Bad Date Blues

Perhaps there is no place more perilous than the world of romance, dating and sex.

One Malibu woman’s worst date happened when a boyfriend took her to dinner for her birthday. They returned to his beach house for her gift. The “gift” was a “blond, gorgeous, amazon woman” waiting to celebrate her birthday as a trio. The birthday girl had been hoping for tasteful jewelry.

Then there is another young woman’s story of good sex gone bad. While on a camping trip with her boyfriend and a group of friends, the couple began kissing by the fire after their friends went to the beach. One thing led to another, and they wound up on the ground. The ensuing sex was hot, she recounted, too hot.

“I caught on fire,” said the woman, 22, a college student who lives in Santa Monica. “My arm must have been flailing, and the sleeve of my sweatshirt caught on fire. You could smell the singed arm hair. There we were, two people half-naked and on fire. My boyfriend was slapping my arm to put the fire out,” said the woman, who asked to be anonymous.

Too bad these couples hadn’t packed a copy of “The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex” (Chronicle Books, 2001), a new manual that offers tips such as saving your date from choking, carrying a date who has passed out, unfastening a stuck zipper, dealing with bad breath or body odor and how to survive if you wake up next to someone whose name you can’t remember (look in the medicine cabinet for prescriptions, look for mail, magazine subscriptions. ... Meanwhile, use acceptable terms of endearment like “hey, gorgeous”).

The dating and sex manual is the third installment in the survival handbook series written by Philadelphia authors Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht. Their bestsellers “The Worst-Case Scenario Handbook” and “Worst-Case Scenario Handbook: Travel,” offer useful how-to tips such as jumping from a moving car, escaping quicksand, extricating one’s arm from an alligator’s jaws and wrestling with a shark.

In the latest edition dedicated to the treacherous terrain of romance and delivered in the dispassionate style of a Boy Scout Manual, Piven and Borgenicht teamed up with Jennifer Worick, the only single one among the three.

“We designed it to be evocative of a real, serious survival manual,” said Borgenicht, 33. “But we made sure people know that our tongues are planted firmly in our cheek when writing it. We did want to give serious information, but we don’t expect it to save anyone’s life or love life.”

It is worth noting that all the information in the book comes from experts, Worick said. For example, a retired CIA agent, who helped American hostages held in the Middle East escape, was consulted for the chapter on how to escape a bad date. The handbook suggests faking an emergency, going to the bathroom and disguising oneself (borrow some flour from the kitchen to lighten or gray your hair color) to slip pass your bad date. To escape through the bathroom window, the authors write that one should “strike the center of the glass with an implement ... punching out any remaining shards of glass by covering the hand with a jacket,” then “make your escape. Do not worry about any minor nicks or cuts. Run.”

San Francisco-based sexologist Carol Queen was consulted for the chapters on sex, which offer a guide on how to recognize a real orgasm or how to fake one. Queen said, “I don’t recommend people fake orgasm for any reason ... but if it were for the purpose of acting, then I’ll give recommendations.” Other advice: how to have sex in small places (“Put the [airplane] toilet seat down and clean it”) and how to remove difficult clothing (“Move your date forward” and “visualize the clasp”).

Naturally, the authors culled their past disastrous romances for the book. Borgenicht, who is greatly relieved to be out of the single circuit, recalled his worst romantic moment in high school: When he and his date returned to her house after going out to entertain themselves, they decided to engage in “stupid human tricks.” She wiggled her ears, he said he could put his legs behind his head. After he got the second leg around his head, Borgenicht said he experienced something natural but embarrassing. Hence, the chapter on “How to Survive if You Have Excessive Gas ... “ with advice about foods to avoid, eating small portions, imbibing peppermint tea and, as a last resort, repairing to a bathroom. A drawing helps the reader get the picture. “If only I knew then,” opined Borgenicht, “what I know now.”

While some of the information is pure jest, such as how to tell the gender of your date, some tips are useful, such as fending off an obsessive ex, determining if your date is an ax murderer and dealing with a bad kisser. “I had a problem kisser in high school,” Worick said. “He was too wet a kisser. So when he came by, I hid in the basement. I was so grossed out I never went out with him again.” To survive the too-wet kisser, the handbook advises: “Keep your kisses focused on the lips. Do not venture inside the mouth.”

If that doesn’t work: “Use your thumbs to wipe away excess wetness.”

Of course, there is much the book leaves out. For instance, only heterosexual romance is addressed.

But in the all-too-serious and delicate world of dating and sex, the “Worst Case-Scenario Handbook: Dating & Sex” provides respite and levity.

“Dating situations can be just as dangerous, dramatic and traumatic as being chased by a bear or having to land a plane,” insisted Worick, who once dated an emotionally unstable former cult member. “Dodging bad dates and bad sex, if you get that far, can be just as tricky.”