LAUGH LINES

Meat of the Story: “Time magazine . . . [had] an interview with Vice President Dick Cheney’s personal cardiologist and his personal butcher. [Cheney] has had five heart attacks. . . . In this interview, Cheney’s butcher said that ‘the vice president is eating much healthier now.’ . . . If you have your own personal butcher, how healthy are you eating?” (Jay Leno)

All Made Up: “This month’s swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated will not only include the world’s most beautiful women clad in skimpy swimwear, but magicians Siegfried and Roy--those magical icons of the Vegas Strip--are also profiled in an article and photo spread. . . . Not surprisingly, they’re wearing more makeup than the models.” (Ira Lawson)

Going Head to Head: The Washington Post is “reporting that after Al Gore’s concession speech . . . he had a huge fight with Bill Clinton--[they were] actually screaming at each other. . . . [Gore] blamed Clinton for causing him to lose because of the sex scandal, and Clinton blamed Gore for running a horrible campaign. For the first time, they’re both right. . . . Gore was so mad that he refused to help Clinton carry the dining room table out to his car.” (Leno)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.