On Further Review, Gray Is No Color Man

Minnesotans understandably beam with pride over their governor, Jesse “The Body” Ventura. Besides running their state, the outspoken former pro rassler is the color man on XFL football broadcasts.

Well, California has a governor too.

He’s Gray “Matter” Davis and, while he’s never been either a pro rassler or outspoken, he was a state controller and lieutenant governor. Can Ventura make that claim?

Given California’s electricity crisis and complaints that Davis has reacted too cautiously, our governor is well on his way to becoming a nationally known figure too.

Imagine how things would sound with the ever-circumspect and cerebral Davis behind the XFL mike:

Play-by-play announcer Jim Ross: Wow, Gray, did you get the license number of that truck that just hit the quarterback?

Davis: Actually, Jim, I see your point about the ferocity of the tackle and its possible impact on the quarterback’s ability to function properly. However, I think it’s too early to assess the long-term damage.

Ross: Forget long-term damage. One of his shoes is on the 20-yard-line and the other’s at midfield. I’d call that a problem.

Davis (making a fist with thumb extended): People often overreact in a possible crisis situation, Jim. I’ve found it best to take a measured, step-by-step approach and then act firmly, mixing prudence with patience.

Ross: Surely you see the quarterback moaning and flopping on the ground like a beached harp seal?

Davis: Yes, I see that. Clearly, the quarterback wasn’t prepared for the hit he sustained, Jim. It would appear that he is in some pain, yes. I will grant you that.

Ross: Will you also grant that his teammates are huddled around him and that you can hear a pin drop in the stadium?

Hardly an Electrifying Performer

Davis: I would remind you and our viewers that none of those teammates is a doctor. They simply can’t assess the severity of the situation.

Ross: I’m wondering why someone isn’t getting a stretcher out to him.

Davis: That would be the predictable response, Jim. What people don’t realize is that the presence of a stretcher would only cause concern--possibly undue concern--to the player’s family and the fans. Again, I would take a wait-and-see position at this time.

Ross: Gray, I’ve got the binoculars on the quarterback, and he’s not moving. I think he might be dead.

Davis: Much too early to say, Jim. To call him dead would be pure speculation. All we know at this point is that he didn’t see the 250-pound linebacker coming from his blind side at great speed, and he has gone from flopping around to lying motionless. But there are other explanations.

Ross: Really?

Davis: He could be resting. He could be seeking strategic advantage, in some fashion.

Ross: Uh, Gray, an ambulance is racing in from the end zone. His teammates are jumping up and down frantically and waving their arms.

Davis: Football players are, by nature, excitable. We’ve seen this kind of thing before on the field of play.

Ross: Gray, a paramedic is giving the poor guy mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The players are all sobbing. It’s an incredibly moving sight, don’t you think?

Davis: From that perspective, yes, it is moving. You’re obviously moved. Certainly, I am moved. And perplexed.

Ross: They’re playing taps over the stadium loudspeakers and covering him with a blanket. I don’t think he made it.

Davis: Indications are that the situation is more serious than previously thought. Firm, decisive action may be needed.

Ross: Surely you can be more definitive than that?

Davis: Yes, I can respond decisively. I think it’s time to give serious thought to warming up a new quarterback.

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TO CLARIFY: In a column last week about a homeowner association squabble in Irvine, I wrote that the association is letting an “outside” swim team use its pool during prime summer hours. While as recently as 1998 nonresidents made up as much as 16% of the team, in the past year, only six of the 105 swimmers were nonresidents, a team official says.

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at The Times’ Orange County edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com.