LAUGH LINES

Downsizing: “Everybody’s jumping on this ‘Hannibal’ bandwagon. On the ‘Martha Stewart Show,’ Martha showed how you could feed a party of 12 by making it a party of 11.” (Jay Leno)

Oh, Rats!: “New York City’s sewer pipes are leaking. . . . They have recognized the problem, and the city is working very quickly to fix the leaking sewer pipes. I’m thinking, ‘Great, now where will the rats shower?’ ” (David Letterman)

What a Relief: “It was reported that modern accurate voting machines . . . will not be available nationwide in time for the 2004 presidential election. After hearing this, President Bush said, ‘Thank God.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

What Went Wrong: “The heads of the major TV networks were called to testify before Congress to discuss what happened on election night, specifically the projections of winners before the polls even closed. . . . The next step for congressional Republicans is to try to find some way to pin the blame on Bill Clinton.” (Ira Lawson)

On the Sly: “The Senate Judiciary Committee held hearings about the Marc Rich pardon. They learned that the pardon was signed at midnight with nobody looking. . . . Senators won’t tolerate that for anything but a pay raise.” (Argus Hamilton)

Who Knew?: “Anna Nicole Smith has been in court trying to claim her late husband’s estate. She testified in court that no one told her that her husband was dying. . . . He was 89, in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank strapped to his [body] when she married him. Who could have seen that coming? He was so full of life!” (Leno)

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