What’s Next for Clinton? ‘West Wing,’ ‘X-Files’ or ‘Mr Bill’?
With the recent news of producer Harry Thomason pitching a Bill Clinton interview show to NBC (Morning Report, Dec. 20), I imagine a phone being answered in Washington, D.C. . . .
“Hello?”
“Bill, hi, it’s Harry, out here on the left coast. How’s life treatin’ ya?”
“Not too bad. They love me over there in Ireland. Maybe I should call up Terry McAuliffe and see if he can snag me a sweetheart mortgage deal on some castle over there, eh?”
“Trust me, Bill, they love you in Ireland, but Hollywood loves you more! I think I got NBC all ready to go on a weekly talk show for you. Like one of those Sunday morning chattering heads things, only you’ll be in prime time! I don’t care how many tote boards Russert comes up with, you’ll be killer! Think of it, Bill Clinton interviewing his favorites every week! Barbra Streisand! Cher! Kim Basinger! It’ll be like ‘Meet the Press,’ only with chicks!”
“Well, thanks Harry, but I’m not sure I’d want that much exposure after leaving office. First, I think I’d like to take a long rest, and I think the job of elder statesman means not being in the public eye as much. Always leave ‘em wanting more--Madonna told me that once. . . .”
“Listen, Billy boy, no one knows how short the attention span of the average American is better than you!”
“Oh, that reminds me, Harry, did I ever tell you how I’m gonna provide some middle-class tax relief?”
(Several minutes of laughter).
“That’s what I’m tellin’ ya, Bill, you got that quick wit, you can be folksy when you wanna and women are always falling under your charming spells! I don’t think you should be wastin’ that on just some pointy-headed political round table. I got a bunch of other pitches for you that the networks will plotz over! Now don’t try to con a conner, Billy, we both know you can’t live without the spotlight on you! Just hear me out!”
“OK, OK, Harry! I can see you got my number. Heck, I guess we both know I’ll be moving out your way once that house we got up in Chappaqua sells. A nice house, and it served its purpose all right. She’s safe and sound in the Senate. And knowing Hillary, I bet she gets 10 times what she paid for it! Go on, lemme hear what you got.”
“Well, right off the bat, there are some shows already on the air that want you in their cast!”
“Oh, you mean like ‘The West Wing’? I was thinking I could play some distinguished ex-president, sort of a Kennedy-esque kind of figure who. . . .”
“No, ‘West Wing’ didn’t call me back. But ‘That ‘70s Show’ is looking for someone to play a swingin’ disco-era ‘cool’ teacher. You know, a guy who really relates to the kids on the show. They got this hilarious bit where you smoke with them but try not to inhale, but you get the munchies anyway, and. . . .”
“I gotta pass on that one, Harry. It just doesn’t sound like me.”
“OK, OK, fair enough. How about some drama? I could pair you with Scully on ‘X-Files’ as an agent convinced of a mysterious vast right-wing conspiracy. . . .”
“Oh, yeah, that Scully. She’s a hottie all right. Sort of a thinking-man’s sex symbol, like Diana Rigg was back when I was a kid. . . .”
“What are you, boychick, her publicist? Do you wanna do the show or not?”
“Nah, I guess not. I have a lot of friends out at Area 51 who always call and e-mail me about how that show gets everything wrong about the aliens we’re working with. I wouldn’t want to upset them; they were big campaign donors. Man, those aliens drink more iced tea than Al Gore, you gotta see it to believe it!”
“Well, how about this then? The hottest trend right now is reality shows. Fox wanted to combine one of its best-known specials with one of the top-rated game shows on TV right now and have you be the main attraction of ‘Who Wants to Marry a Soon-to-Be-Divorced Ex-President and Then Be a Millionaire Author Eight Times Over?’ ”
“You must be kidding me with that title! It won’t even fit in the TV Guide!”
“But Bob Eubanks’ll host it!”
“Hey Harry, three words: ‘It’s Fox. Pass.’ What else have you got?”
“Well, E! Entertainment Television has a show for you similar to its highly rated Howard Stern format. You sit in a dark room and interview celebrities one on one.”
“Hey, that one doesn’t sound too bad. But I have a feeling there’s a catch. . . .”
“Well, during sweeps they want you to emulate Stern by evaluating the bodies of strippers escorted in by some guys they’ll dress as Arkansas state troopers. . . .”
“Harry, I don’t have to tell you how undignified that would be for the former leader of the free world who presided over the greatest economic expansion this century. And besides, the cameras have to stay on during that, don’t they?”
“Well, yes, of course. . . .”
“Pass.”
“OK, OK, I have one more idea. I saved the best for last. The other thing they love in Hollywood is mining a familiar brand name, you know? You had ‘Mission: Impossible’ and ‘Charlie’s Angels’ making megabucks last year, and they’ve already got live-action big-screen jobs of ‘Josie & the Pussycats’ and ‘Scooby-Doo’ up on the boards.”
“Oh yeah, ‘Scooby-Doo.’ I’ll tell ya, as much I know I’d get action with Velma, you know, that whole low self-esteem thing and all, that Daphne was a real fox, don’t you think. . . ?”
“Will you stop it for just one second? Will you just stop? Listen to me! They got a familiar brand name tailor-made for you. They want you for a live version of ‘The Mr. Bill Show.’ ”
“ ‘Mr. Bill’? That hunk of Play-Doh that always got massacred on the old ‘Saturday Night Live’?”
“You got it! They want to do it as a kids show, starring you! Mr. Bill, get it? You know how good you are with children, after all! And get this--they’re about to sign Ken Starr to play Mr. Bill’s archenemy, Mr. Sluggo! This thing has hit written all over it! Look how high your approval ratings soared every time that guy did anything to you!”
“Harry, I don’t know about this, I just don’t know. I can’t see myself hosting some kind of slapstick kiddie show like Soupy Sales. . . . Hey, that reminds me, you remember that blooper with Soupy and the naked chick? Man, I still laugh at that one after all these years. . . .”
“It doesn’t have to be slapstick, Bill. You could read to the little brats or talk about how the government works, for all they care! And here’s the beauty part: In every episode, you get to abuse the hell out of Starr in his Mr. Sluggo outfit! You got your pies, your seltzer, your bucket of green slime hanging from the ceiling. . . .”
“I have to admit, you’re making it sound very tempting. . . .”
“Only one problem so far, a minor one really, and that’s Starr’s insistence on residuals for overseas and any possible Internet rebroadcasts, but we’ll have the lawyers take care of that, if you know what I mean.”
“I think I do, but here’s a question: Do you think Starr realizes that it all depends on what you mean by the word ‘residuals’?”
(More laughter).
“OK, Bill. Sounds like we’re cool! I’ll run it by the suits out here and we’ll see if we get a green light. Hey, in the meantime, if you see Al Gore, tell him his screenplay for ‘Dude, Where’s My Victory?’ was put into turnaround. Tell him Daley and I did all we could, but it looks dead until at least 2004. Ciao, baby!”
Click.