LAUGH LINES

Going Undercover: “Linda Tripp told ABC’s ‘20/20’ that she’s had her face lifted, her nose fixed and her eyes done. . . . It’s all about survival. With Bill Clinton becoming a free man, it’s never too late to enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.” (Argus Hamilton)

Chew on This: “There’s a new turkey-only version of Spam that’s hit the marketplace. The manufacturer says it’s completely free of any beef or pork. . . . Of course, so is regular Spam.” (Ira Lawson)

A Cold Front: “How cold has this winter been in the Northeast? Everything’s relative, but it was so cold in New York that Rudy Giuliani actually appeared warm to the homeless.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Single and Free: “Elizabeth Taylor told Larry King that she is not going to get married again. Taylor says she may be willing to live with a man, but he must have a sense of humor. . . . Liz has a great sense of humor. Just look at that marriage to Larry Fortensky.” (Daily Scoop)

Name-Dropper: “George W. Bush called Justice Antonin Scalia by the wrong name twice recently. He called him Anthony and then Antonio. It got worse . . . when he asked the nation to join him in a tribute to Martin Larry King.” (Hamilton)

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