It’s Elementary: ‘Murder’ Should Be a Case Closed

Is television getting dumber and dumber or what?

We have in Chandra Levy the real mystery of the century, one that Washington, D.C., cops and even Larry King’s omnipresent panel of furrowed brows on CNN can’t solve, try as they do night after night. So what new series did Fox foist on America Tuesday evening?

The cockamamie “Murder in Small Town X.” As mystery, a piece of cake. Dashiell Hammett or “Inspector Morse” it wasn’t.

Talk about raising the bar of banality. You knew you were in for a cerebral challenge when one of the 10 amateur “investigators” chosen for this series was quoted in Fox publicity as saying her favorite private eye was Nancy Drew.

Another cited the Hardy Boys, another Chevy Chase in “Fletch,” another the trio from “Charlie’s Angels.” A real reading crowd. The “Charlie’s Angels” disciple’s anxiety and deep perplexity were visible when she and the others were sent off to find the killer of the fictional Flint family in the Fox-concocted town of “Sunrise, USA.” When peering into her intense eyes, you almost could see the machinery grinding in her brain:

What would Farrah have done?

The suspense was palpable. For example, one “investigator” was “overwhelmed with dread,” another found the experience “scary,” another had “goose bumps.”

Oh sure.

Well, look. Anyone watching these kinds of shows knows by now that vamping for the camera comes with the package. Even Gary Fredo, who appears on camera to give “investigators” sleuthing tips and their instructions, is said to work as an actor in addition to being a real cop somewhere in Southern California.

In this show, though, viewers are apparently meant to believe that the competitors’ fears are real, that somehow these Sherlocks have forgotten they have signed on to play themselves in a scripted piece of crime fiction.

Just a reminder: THERE IS NO MURDERER!

The scenario calls for 15 “suspects” (played by professional actors) to be gradually eliminated from consideration, and the “investigators” to be erased “one by one” by the murderer. The rules aren’t that important, this show being just one more variation on a variation on a variation.

Think of it this way: Reality, shmality. What a crock!

My favorite part came near the end of the premiere when Kristen Kirchner of Los Angeles and Shirley King of Las Vegas were given the short straws by their fellow “investigators” (how many more times can TV do “Survivor?”), forcing them to venture into the night, from which only one would return with a clue. The other (viewers didn’t learn which until it happened) would be ambushed by the unseen killer. In other words, bye-bye.

Would outspoken Kristen be the first victim? Or would it be quiet Shirley, whose favorite detective was the cartoon character Inspector Gadget?

Viewers were told the two would be provided “special” small cameras to record their terrifying experiences, but would be “absolutely alone.” On their own, helpless, vulnerable.

Oh, yes, and each would be leaving behind a “last will and testament.” In case they tripped over TV cables and hit their heads on monitors? It was that serious.

Shirley thought she’d be fine “because I have God on my side.” God with a cameo on a Fox show? What was holiness coming to? Grounds for the devout crowd to sue, I’d say.

Later, Shirley reassessed her position grimly when out there in the darkness, using her portable camera to record her tearful final thoughts for her children at home: “If I don’t make it out of here, Mommy loves you.”

What would Inspector Gadget have done?

Too late for that. It turned out that God was on Kristen’s side, favoring a brassy young blond over a demure middle-aged mother. Kirsten returned to the others, but it was all over for poor Shirley, whom we probably won’t see again until she spills the beans to Larry, some morning show or Fox News Channel en route to getting her own permanent TV gig.

No manslaughter, this was premeditated all the way. Here’s betting the murderer, in consultation with the producers, deep-sixed Shirley because she was passive (read boring), and Kristen was the kind of brazen butt-kicker Fox wanted to keep around for the beer bellies in its audience.

So that’s that. But wait a minute. Even accepting that none of this should be taken literally, weren’t we assured that Kristen and Shirley were “absolutely alone” in the black night? Wasn’t that the goose bumpy premise for this charade, the come-on intended to give viewers jitters and rivet them to their sets?

What explanation, then, for those separate long shots of both women when they were supposed to be alone? That must have been some kind of “special” camera each was carrying.

Not that surprises are out of the question. With recent “Big Brother” revelations in mind, who’s to say that one of the “investigators” won’t turn out to be a real serial killer?

I know what you’re thinking. What a repulsively smug smarty-pants I am. You’re right.

Do I know who murdered the Flint family? Of course. Got it right away. I didn’t watch “Charlie’s Angels” for nothing.

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“Murder in Small Town X” can be seen at 9 p.m. Tuesdays on Fox. The network has rated it TV-14-LV (may be unsuitable for children younger than 14 with special advisories for coarse language and violence).

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Howard Rosenberg’s column appears Mondays and Fridays. He can be contacted by e-mail at howard.rosenberg@latimes.com.