He’s No King of the Road

Today we dare to peer into the future with news of the next groundbreaking legal case--even before it happens:

Do your swear to tell the truth, the whole truth ... blah, blah?

I do.

Do you understand the charges against you?

It says on my bail bond that I’m accused of reckless endangerment.

Don’t make light. This is a felony. Let me begin the questioning. You recently purchased an automobile. Can you tell us what kind?

A Honda Civic.

At any time, did you consider the consequences of this decision?

Well, I considered fuel efficiency.

Did you also consider the recklessness of your choice?

I don’t understand.

Obviously not. So let me put it this way: Do you understand that our freeways are governed by laws? Are you aware that a citizen who willfully jeopardizes the safety of another can be sentenced to prison under state law?

That makes sense.

Yet you bought a Honda Civic. What are you some kind of nut?

My readers occasionally think so.

So, how much does your Honda Civic weigh?

More than a breadbasket?

Funny. The answer is 2,496 pounds. That’s barely one ton. Now do you know how much a Chevy Suburban weighs? Or a Ford Expedition?

More than two breadbaskets?

A Suburban weighs 5,123 pounds. A Ford Expedition weighs 5,468 pounds . . . that’s pushing two-and-a-half tons.

Yes, but think of the gas mileage and the pollution.

Don’t change the subject. You’re a writer, so let me use an analogy. Do you think it’s fair to say that your Honda is to an SUV what a soup can is to a beer keg?

That might be stretching it, but you could get it past most of the editors I know.

So if you fling a soup can onto a beer keg, what happens?

The soup can gets dented?

But what if you launch a beer keg onto a soup can?

Wait, this is not a drunk driving case.

I’ll tell you what happens. It gets squashed. Yet you still chose to drive in a soup can that weighs 2,496 pounds? And then you took your wife and two friends hurtling down the San Diego Freeway at 65 miles an hour? Among all those SUVs? If that’s not reckless, what is?

Well, I bought the optional side airbags ...

Smart. But, you are in the news business, so did you read in the newspaper about research showing that ordinary four-door Ford Explorers are 16 times more likely than the typical car to kill the other driver in a crash?

Wouldn’t you say it’s reckless endangerment not to drive an Explorer or something bigger?

But I didn’t crash.

No, that’s because the California Highway Patrol pulled you over and arrested you for endangerment before you could--before you killed your family and friends and caused a traffic jam that would make everyone else on the freeway late for dinner.

Seemed extreme to me. We were just going to a movie.

Let’s put aside your failure of judgment, and talk about the law. The CHP is there to enforce the law. The law says drivers must adjust their speed according to how far down the road they can see.

Let me quote from the California Department of Motor Vehicles’ Driver Handbook 2001, page 34: “If you can’t see 400 feet ahead, it means you can’t drive safely at 55 mph. If you can’t see 210 feet ahead, you can’t drive safely at 35 mph.” Now let me ask you, have you ever been able to see past the SUVs cutting in front of you as far as 400 feet down the freeway?

Now who’s being funny?

How about 210 feet--ever been able to see that far ahead of you, past the SUV that just swerved into the lane in front of you?

No, but I get a great view of the personalized license plates and bumper stickers.

Yet, you took your Honda at 65 miles an hour when it was not legally safe to drive at even 35 miles an hour.

Further, is it not true that even if you went 20 miles an hour and tried to keep an open space ahead, an SUV would cut in front of you? So what I’m saying is that there is no speed, legally, at which it is safe to drive the freeway in anything smaller than an SUV, isn’t that true?

I thought I was doing the proper thing as a conservationist.

It’s not the first time you’ve been wrong, is it?

Hardly.

Have you any final thoughts before sentencing?

Well, just this: I read that DaimlerChrysler’s new Unimog SUV will weigh 12,500 pounds and be three feet taller than an Expedition. I think the company said it would make everything else on the road “look anemic.” So how will the owners of these lightweight Expeditions be able to see around an Unimog to drive on the freeway without getting arrested for reckless endangerment?

They’re next.