Priceless Anthology of Literary Gems

Lisa Addison of Costa Mesa has compiled offbeat newspaper notices into an e-book, “377 Unbelievable Classified & Personal Ads.”

Two of my favorites involve digits, in different ways:

* “Ralphs Supermarket, June 10. You left your number in red lipstick on the windshield of my Delorean. But you only left 6 digits. You seemed like a lot of trouble in a misdemeanor type of way. But I’d still like to hear from you.”

* “Lake Havasu. On the sand bar. July 4th. You: On a boat. You lost your index finger a year ago racing motorcycles. Live in Huntington Beach. A Leo. 33. Gorgeous. Me: Blonde. Blue bikini. Stunning. Drunk. My boat was leaving. Call me.”

Moving on to toes, Addison’s book (available at www.booklocker.com), also carries this ad:

“Females 20-45 wanted. To step on bugs for new video. Either barefoot or wearing shoes. Large feet welcome. Good pay. Also want your bug stories.”

UNREAL ESTATE: Today’s peculiar properties include:

* An Irvine house whose owner is evidently seeking out a Santa as buyer (from Karen Edwards of Long Beach)

* A 4-bedroom mansion of 350 square feet (“Where was the Building Department?” asks Gordon McBeth of Tarzana)

* An even smaller, box-like residence (Joyce Kristensson of Pasadena)

* And a rental for the not-so-choosy in Catalina (Don Bloeser of Seal Beach).

I checked and, yes, the last item was a joke by the Catalina Islander newspaper.

PAINLESS HISTORY: Things you may not have known about L.A. County’s second largest city, from “Long Beach: The City and Its People,” by author Bill Hillburg and photo editor Tim Grobaty:

* A dentist named Painless Parker (he had legally changed his first name) treated patients outdoors at the Pike Amusement Zone in the early 1900s. He was one of the first dentists to use Novocain.

* Realtor Arthur Parsons wanted to call his development Venice. Learning that that name was taken by another Southern California community, he chose Naples. Which may explain why Long Beach’s Naples has canals even though Italy’s Naples does not.

* The sport of aerial golf originated in 1924 above the city’s Virginia County Club as a recruiting stunt for the Army Air Corps. Two pilots flew low over the course, dropping golf balls in an effort to see who could come closest to the pin. No, they didn’t handle the putting, too (players on the ground did).

Alas, one pilot accidentally dropped an entire box of balls, nearly skulling a group of people on the ground that day, thereby bringing an end to the sport of aerial golf.

ENGLISH LESSON: Speed bumps, which are “sleeping policemen” in Britain and “policias muertos” (dead policemen) in Latin America, have still another name in New Zealand, points out Hadassah Gourarie. They are “judder bars,” judder being a Britishism for shaking or vibrating.

“We were told that when a peacock unfolds his tail and shakes himself, he is “juddering,” Gourarie related. “Drive too fast over a speed bump and you will, too.”

miscelLAny:

My colleague Paul Loop points out that the MDRNARK license plate spotted on an SUV in the rain the other day might not refer to Noah’s Biblical transport.

Loop suggested it could be “a doctor and registered nurse hailing from Arkansas.”

After all this rain I don’t even want to think about hailing.

*

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., 90012 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.