LAUGH LINES

Clueless: “How about this creepy FBI guy? . . . USA Today reports that Robert Philip Hanssen’s wife had no clue that he was a spy, which makes Hillary [Clinton] only the second most naive wife in America. . . . [Hanssen’s wife] said today she thought all husbands spoke Russian into a shoe phone.” (Jay Leno)

Misdirected Funds: “Sen. Joe Lieberman gave a speech where he told a crowd in Florida that he believes he and Al Gore will run for president again in 2004. . . . After hearing the news, the crowd went wild and accidentally donated money to Pat Buchanan.” (Conan O’Brien)

Baby Booming: “A new study lists the percentages of babies born to unmarried women. . . . The average of the nation’s 50 largest cities increased a bit--to around 43%. . . . The lowest figure in the country is Utah, with just 17%. The highest? The District of Columbia, with a whopping 63%. . . . The number for D.C.--not counting Jesse Jackson’s kids: 28%.” (Daily Scoop)

Special Order: “You know the part of the movie where Hannibal’s in Italy? You know how he orders fettuccine alfredo? . . . ‘Hold the fettuccine, just bring Alfredo.’ ” (Leno)

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Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.