Dodger Boy’s Latest Act Is Simply Unpardonable

Last season we had lesbians and a starting pitcher who liked to flash his bare cheeks at female reporters.

Now we have a left fielder who has been likened to Bill Clinton by Dodger Boy, which makes me wonder if one of the Dodgers’ promotions this year will be a Monica Lewinsky look-alike contest.

Remember when this was a nice family-run team, and the only thing you had to worry about was the local radio and TV stations bleeping out the manager’s bad words.

The best thing the Dodgers have going for them right now is the Bruins’ and Trojans’ success, which has thrown an exciting newspaper wrap around the other sports news and covered up an organization in ruins.

Yet in a few weeks, you’re going to be expected to fall in love with this team again, like you’ve done for a lifetime, and your parents before you.

*

WE ALL HAVE weird relatives--most are on my wife’s side and live in Chicago--but as odd as they are, they’ve never had an impact on our marriage. I put away all the valuables when they come over.

Now if Kevin Malone spent most of his time in Chicago and visited once every summer while we were away on vacation, maybe I’d look at the Dodgers differently. It would certainly help too, if Kevin Brown wasn’t under the impression he looks his best bent over with his pants around his ankles every time a female reporter walks in the room.

How do you respect a team that has a GM that wants everyone to call him, Dodger Boy? He probably wants to play marbles too, but I don’t have the time. How can you respect someone in such a high position of authority with such low credibility?

Saturday was a good example. Asked by the media in Florida about a greedy and ungrateful Gary Sheffield, Dodger Boy said, “I think Sheffield is going to be in left field come opening day. We’re moving forward--he wants to be a lifetime Dodger.”

A short time later he was on the Dodgers’ pregame show telling Ross Porter, “This is our third year now and we’re starting to get the type of players here that are committed to winning--we’re getting rid of the selfish players and bringing in players that are selfless.”

If I understand him correctly, the Dodgers are going to keep Sheffield, but get rid of all the selfish players.

*

THE NEXT FEW weeks will be dedicated to playing the fans for fools. The process has already begun. The Dodgers discovered no one wants a brat, so now Sheffield has undergone a complete mea culpa makeover.

“Let he who has no sin cast the first stone,” said Dodger Boy, and I’ve had far more creative e-mails suggesting I never write again--than that.

Dodger Boy is banking on an apologetic Sheffield to turn the fickle fans in Sheffield’s favor as soon as he hits a key home run. He’s calling the current situation resolved--I guess like everybody else the Movie Guy doesn’t talk to him either.

Bob Daly, the Movie Guy who runs the team, has been working as a ventriloquist the past few months, using team puppet Derrick Hall to mouth the words he wants out there. And so far the puppet has yet to declare Sheffield’s situation resolved. The Movie Guy knows what it’s like when word of mouth pans a movie, so he’s hesitating--not sure how fickle L.A.’s fans will be.

Dodger Boy, however, said Clinton’s job wasn’t impacted by what he did with Lewinsky, so we should support Sheffield like Clinton--although I don’t see the similarities. Is there a dress somewhere I don’t know about?

Now I’m pretty sure you cannot impeach a left fielder, but I have the distinct impression that Dodger Boy believes Sheffield has the same pardon power as Clinton. I would imagine he’s thinking: A good season for Sheffield makes for a good season for the Dodgers and saves Dodger Boy.

I wonder if he has to pay Clinton’s brother?

Anyway, there’s still a lot of time before the season begins, but the longer USC and UCLA stay alive--the more Sheffield stays out of sight and out of the public’s mind, which quiets the criticism.

Now all that work Dodger Boy put into helping the UCLA basketball program just might pay off.

*

IT’S A GOOD thing academics are not stressed at Boston College: Let’s see: 71 from 74 equals 2? Notre Dame would have gotten it right.

*

EASY RIDER SAID of the Laker coaches after playing only five minutes against Washington, “I really don’t think they’re too high on me.”

Nice choice of words after a five-game drug suspension.

*

TALK ABOUT FIXING people up. It’s the last thing you would think of when mentioning Anna Kournikova’s name, but on second thought, if she had a sister like Venus Williams, it could give her a chance to win a tournament.

*

AFTER MEETING WITH Bob Knight, Texas Tech Chancellor John T. Montford said, “I felt like he was just about as human as the rest of us.”

That’s how Dr. David Banner came across until he got mad and turned into the Incredible Hulk every week.

*

TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Mark:

“Oakland is a big city, and irresponsible slander toward a city you know nothing about is just irresponsible slander.”

Correction: Oakland is a big dump.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com.