LAUGH LINES

Moving On Up: “Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife finally moved into the vice presidential mansion recently. The move was delayed a month while they redid the hardwood floors. . . . Apparently, they had to sand over all the scratches made by Al Gore’s fingernails as they dragged him out of there.” (Jay Leno)

Angry Words: “Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton lashed out angrily at President Bush for breaking a campaign promise regarding carbon dioxide emissions. . . . Apparently, she’s really mad about this. . . . Hillary was quoted as saying: ‘This president has about as much credibility as that last guy.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Fast Forward: “Speaking at an event in Florida recently, President Bush criticized Democrats, saying they ‘want to keep revoting the election, but if they would listen to America, they would find that Americans want to move forward.’ Americans responded, saying, ‘We do want to move forward--to 2004.’ ” (Tina Fey)

Watch This: “Apparently, Katie Couric is interested in doing a daytime talk show when her contract is up. . . . She wants to show people another side of her. We’ve already seen her colon--how much more are we going to see?” (Leno)

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