Forget the Boring Categories and Enter a Pool With Attitude
The 73rd Academy Awards ceremony on Sunday promises to be an interesting affair, as long as it doesn’t turn into one big, gridlocked toga party for a Pretty Woman. It’s been a strange year--breakups of marquee power couples such as Tom and Nicole, Meg and Dennis, and Shaq and Kobe have made us question the very nature of caring deeply about people we’ve never met.
Worst of all, there is even a very distinct possibility that the new host, actor-comedian-playwright-author-screenwriter Steve Martin, might hyphen-ventilate during the opening monologue.
While traditional Oscar pools are basically a crapshoot in a cinematic wind tunnel, what we have here is something practical. We strive to provide an insultingly complementary quiz to fill in the all-too-glaring gaps left by the televised proceedings. So, rather than waste your time on hazarding guesses at best cinematographer or which foreign language film will nab the Most Randomly Placed Umlaut Award, why not sink your teeth into something with less substance and more sass?
One other key advantage of our Oscar pool: It’s not available on the Internet. And given what’s happened to tech stocks these days, that has to be a good thing.
1. The best reason not to watch this year’s Oscar telecast
A) NBC News is projecting the winners two hours before it starts.
B) Can’t miss E! channel’s exclusive live post-pre-show fashion report, “Clashing With the Red Carpet: Who the Paparazzi and Autograph-Seekers Are Wearing.”
C) Or better yet, the very special Sunday-night episode of the WB’s “Jack & Jill” where the kooky kids scalp a couple of tickets to an XFL game.
2. The person most responsible for nominations
A) Harvey Weinstein
B) Steven Soderbergh
C) Hugh Rodham
3. Best philosophical question raised by this year’s show
A) If Steven Soderbergh wins, and thanks his worthy competition, does that make him a braggart?
B) If Tom Hanks really were to disappear from civilization for four years, would the Oscars go on hiatus?
C) Will Russell crow onstage? Can Ellen burst in to the winner’s circle again? Might Geoffrey rush down the aisle?
4. Biggest impact actors’ strike will have on next year’s Oscars
A) Restoration of golden-era luster to best documentary short category.
B) Presenters are good-looking cousins of PricewaterhouseCoopers’ accountants.
C) Guy in the L.A. Times movie ad (the one you miss because you’re still in line for popcorn) wins best actor in tight race over Moviephone announcer.
5. Biggest impact writers’ strike will have on next year’s Oscars
A) Opening monologue consists of nothing but excerpted gibberish from the collected movie reviews of Joel Siegel and Rex Reed.
B) High visibility product-placement deal for Earl’s Irregular Tuxedo Rentals goes down the drain.
C) Keanu Reeves’ ad-libbed exclamations on the set of “The Matrix 2” lands him in exalted company of Julius Epstein, Preston Sturges and Woody Allen.
6. Best alternative host choices, and why
A) Oprah Winfrey. No one’s ever taken the time to comfort the losers.
B) Dennis Miller. “Monday Night Football” comedian is the only guy who knows how to pronounce the nominated foreign films.
C) Tom Hanks. He’s going to be up there anyway.
7. Least likely protest to seize the spotlight
A) 1st Amendment crusaders for Freedom of Dragged-Out Speech.
B) National Crop Dusters Assn. picketing lifetime achievement award to “North by Northwest” screenwriter Ernest Lehmann.
C) Laid-Off Garment Workers Against Skimpily Dressed Starlets.
8. Best item from Julia Roberts’ Sunday “to do” list
A) 6 a.m. rehearsal with acting coach, doing scene where you pretend to be shocked at hearing your name called from a stage.
B) Walk the dog.
C) See A.
9. Most likely to be overheard if there’s a rolling blackout during
the Oscars
A) The magical hum of 5,000 Palm Pilots and cell phones activating.
B) “Hey, does this mean I can’t greenlight projects any more?”
C) “Dude, where’s my Os-car?”
10. Best conspiracy theory if there’s a blackout
A) The utility companies are getting back at Erin Brockovich.
B) Lars Von Trier is miffed about the reception to “Dancer in the Dark,” and turns “Oscar in the Dark,” into a Dogme ’95 production.
C) It’s just the big kickoff of the interactive marketing campaign for “Panic Room.”
Bonus question: Best features at Oscar’s new Hollywood home
A. Elevators provided by effects team of “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.”
B) Water fountains personally inspected by Erin Brockovich.
C) Tivo monitors provided at every seat allowing audience to fast forward through the show.