Mom Really Wants a Second Honeymoon

It’s Mother’s Day, which I hope means most of us women are reading the paper from the comfort of bed, savoring the reign as queen for a day. It’s a day when, ideally, we acknowledge the efforts seen and unseen Mom puts in on a daily basis to groom, clothe, feed, school and inspire her children to grow up to be well-adjusted adults.

The typical mother is often celebrated today by her family in a sentimental but unglamorous way. The parade of burnt toast and runny eggs prepared by well-intentioned but culinary-challenged children is the common example. And as sentimental as these, “Look what we made for you, Mom” stories are, they also illustrate how Mom often takes the short end of the stick without complaining.

This I believe is a tradition whose time has expired.

As a mother of three, I know that among the list of what Mom really wants, but hesitates to ask for, is a weekend away with her spouse without the children. In fact ask the average mom what she wants for Mother’s Day, and this request might not even cross her mind, because it is indeed so ideal, so exciting, so often unthinkably difficult.

Recently, my husband and I stole away to Santa Barbara for a weekend a deux. It had been the first time in almost two years since we had vacationed alone together. Like many couples we usually only “get away” with an entourage of diapers, juice boxes and toys to placate preschoolers during long car trips, toting along our 1-, 4- and 6-year-old.

It wasn’t until my father came into town for a week recently and I pleaded: “Dad, we really could use a few days off,” that we managed to reattempt a honeymoon near our eighth anniversary. Thankfully Grandpa was game, so we booked the B&B; and headed north.

I do adore my children, but two full days without having to wipe anyone’s nose, break up a sibling battle or pick up Cheerios off the floor was sheer heaven. We lingered over brunch and a stack of reading material well into the early afternoon. We rented bikes and rode along the beach, not worrying about who was going to cross the street without looking. Later we grabbed a movie and took a stroll in the rain.

But most importantly, my husband and I managed to spend time together in a way that simply isn’t possible back at the ranch with the pressure of children, bills and the toilet that won’t flush. If one in two American marriages ends in divorce, my guess is that as with my family, too much time with the kids and not enough time alone can greatly contribute to strain and distancing in a relationship.

“We really need to do this more often,” we kept saying to each other. Sadly, like many couples these days, we don’t.

Part of the problem is the lack of local and affordable overnight child-care facilities. Society as a whole has responded really well to the need for day care, in part to promote working mothers in their need or desire to earn a living.

But many Orange County married couples like my husband and me are transplants from another area, and therefore don’t have family as an option for overnight care. It’s very sad that we value child care for the 9-to-5 grind, but do nothing for couples who need two nights alone together for the sake of their union.

Overnight child-care is available in the county in the form of summer camps, but most require that children be at least 8 before they can attend. That’s a long way off for parents in the early years, knee-deep in babies and toddlers and in dire need of a good night’s sleep.

You can hire a private sitter, but plan on paying about $12 per hour. That’s fine for Orange County’s well-to-do families, who sometimes also remedy the problem with live-in nannies. But does that mean the working couple in Santa Ana doesn’t also need to get away? Is their marriage less important?

Like anything that requires maintenance, a marital tune-up is an absolute must. The weekend away must be on the calendar, in ink, and considered as important as the soccer all-star game. And society must develop a plan to open licensed and affordable overnight facilities for the children.

Former first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton coined the phrase, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Then someone in the village can have the kids overnight so that Mom and Dad can get away. We’re shooting to get away again next time in September. Any takers?