MTV’s ‘Real World’ Is This Chicagoan’s Kind of Show

After nine seasons on the air, MTV’s “The Real World” will finally shoot a season in Chicago this summer, a decision sparked by the recent U.S. Census, which caused MTV officials to come to what they described as “the stunning realization that people live between the coasts.”

To help advance my candidacy to become one of the “cast members” on this youth-oriented dean of staged, unscripted shows, I’ve prepared this application, which uses many of MTV’s actual screening questions:

Nicknames: “Taz” (short for Tasmanian devil), “J-Money,” “Machiavelli.”

Age: I have been many ages, but 23 is the one I identify with.

Occupation: Seeking fame and, perhaps, fortune.

What about you will make you an interesting roommate? I’m a borderline manic-depressive subject to wild mood swings. A childhood spent as a tent-revival preaching prodigy means that I can--and do!--talk a blue streak. I like nothing more than bringing strangers home for dinner, which I prepare with whatever’s in the refrigerator, regardless of which roommate paid for it. I am working to overcome my sleepwalking, which usually ends up with me plopping down in someone else’s bed. And it amuses me to leave the toilet seat propped halfway between up and down.

Do you have any outstanding physical attributes? After several plastic surgeries, countless hours in the gym and massive ingestion of performance-enhancing substances, I believe I can fairly be described as every teenager’s dream guy. I have the kind of body that resists being clothed, the kind of face that makes Leonardo DiCaprio want to wear a big floppy hat in shame. Also, I have extra webbing between my toes.

How important is sex to you? I’m a virgin with a deep commitment to my particular spiritual being. But I’m pretty sure I’m also a bisexual nymphomaniac who only needs the right setting--and witnesses--to let his kinky passion blossom.

What qualities do you seek in a mate? First and foremost, proximity. If I’ve got to go to the next town to pick up a date, or even the next block, forget about it. I want to bond with people who live in the same building or, better, same apartment. This is not mere convenience or an accommodation because I’ve made the (environmentally friendly) decision to not own a car; rather, I believe that something so personal as a living choice demonstrates shared experience and attitudes, and those are the basis for a strong relationship. Unfortunately, in my experience, they are also the basis for a rapid and publicly messy breakup.

Describe your fantasy date: I’m something of a writer, so let me put it this way: Candlelight. Dinner. Carriage ride. Premature sexual advance. Conflict. Argument. Tears. Separate cabs. Cameras to record the whole thing.

Our shooting schedule brings us next to Chicago. Describe your relationship with the “Windy City”: Chicago is my mistress, my delicate butterfly, my sweat-lathered thoroughbred coming out of the final turn. Chicago is my writing muse, inspiring me to ever greater similes. I know her alleys and expressways like Madonna knows the Victoria’s Secret catalog. The Sears Tower is like a second home to me, the Field Museum like one of the outbuildings on the grounds of my estate. I can make fellow cast members feel “at home,” whether the show settles on a converted Bucktown loft, a new-construction Lincoln Park townhouse or Chris Farley’s old John Hancock building condo.

What do you do for fun? I enjoy rock climbing (preferably naked), gourmet cooking with ingredients found while Dumpster diving (ditto) and amateur group psychology, which I practice by trying to say things that will introduce tension into whatever group I find myself in. Also: My friends say I bore them by going on and on about how “Survivor” owes all its success to “The Real World.”

Are you currently in a relationship? This is what makes me so perfect for the show. I am deeply, passionately in love. With myself. As a form of meditation, I spend at least 30 minutes per day gazing into a mirror. This helps me to have absolutely no sense of how my actions appear to outsiders. Indeed, I consider my thoughts and feelings and needs to be the three most important topics on Earth. The next most important would be, like, No. 10 on the list.

What is your ultimate career goal? To become the first entirely fictional reality-TV participant.