Now and Then, Frightening and Distasteful Entries Populate Police Logs

Unseasonal crime: Lori Long of Agoura Hills noticed this entry in the police log of the local newspaper, the Acorn:

“Somebody entered a dwelling via an unlocked kitchen window on Conejo View Drive and stole a jar of Halloween candy between 6:30 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. May 2 ($2 loss).”

Asked Long: “I wonder if the candy is still good!”

A cover-up but no crime: Ron Matejcek of Claremont, meanwhile, relayed this bulletin from the San Luis Obispo County Gazette:

“7:38 p.m. Store employee at Woodland Plaza requests officers to deal with male customer who is not wearing any pants. Officers arrive and discover that man is wearing short shorts under a long T-shirt.”

Turn the case over to the fashion police.

Guide to Adventurous Dining: Hi, I’ll be your server today. My name is . . . oh, I don’t feel like telling you, especially after that last tip you gave me. Anyway, the selections are:

* An apricot dish that has been the target of some physical harassment (submitted by Alex Koutzoukis of Yorba Linda).

* Some chunks of food served with mallets (Kurt Vasentine of Coto de Caza).

* And a critter from the Pacific Northwest often seen driving a BMW or Mercedes (submitted by Cindy Schissler of Indian Wells).

Catchy names, anyone? After I mentioned that Beverly Hills High’s top-rated tennis player is named Bryan Swatt, Bob Berg of Westminster wondered if Swatt will ever play mixed doubles with Israeli star Anna Smashnova.

Dialing misinformation: My colleague Brady MacDonald called directory assistance in San Diego to get the number for the county coroner’s office. When he tried the number, he reached a checkout clerk at the Country Corner Meat Market, which is not what the coroner’s office is called down there.

“She laughed when I asked for beach-drowning statistics,” MacDonald said. She told him she frequently receives calls from people asking for death certificates. “We have wonderful steaks,” the clerk added.

Some really big shoes to fill: Cultural life in L.A. has not been the same since the disappearance of the Bigfoot-UFO--Nessy Museum, last sighted several months ago in Venice. The Bigfoot museum had been on the run before that, having left Malibu after a flood damaged its former office.

The shrine offered everything from alleged snapshots of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster to NASA photos of Martian rock formations that resembled the jowls of Ted Kennedy and the eyes of Tammy Faye Bakker.

No telling where the Martian mug shots are hanging. But if it’s any consolation, there is a Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization, founded by a separate group. Its Web site: https://www.bfro.net.

The BFRO says, by the way, that “informed estimates” of the numbers of Bigfoot (or Bigfeet, I guess) “range from roughly 2,000 to 6,000 individuals for all of North America. . . .”

You can almost imagine the Martian Tammy Faye blinking in disbelief.

miscelLAny: So what would you call a perfume dedicated to the city of L.A.?

One possibility can be found on eBay, where an Illinois man is offering an ornate perfume bottle created for the opening of the downtown Oviatt Building in 1927. Price: $2,200.

The scent was called Le Parfum des Anges (Perfume of the Angels). Shame on you if you guessed Eau des Autos.