It’s Springtime for Turncoats

In a last-ditch effort to keep Sen. James Jeffords of Vermont from bolting the Republican Party, GOP leaders dangled a series of enticements, including chairmanship of the prestigious Senate subcommittee on maple syrup, and, in their final offer, the top-secret formula for Strom Thurmond’s orange hair dye.

In the end, however, the Democrats’ package was too good to refuse. In addition to a $52.7-million signing bonus (making Jeffords the highest-paid senator in U.S. history), Democrats promised to let Vermont annex New Hampshire, a move that figures to make the tiny state as big as most living rooms.

Although the party switch thrilled liberals, it could set a dangerous precedent. Already, the defection trend is spreading to other sectors of American life.

* Music: Justin Timberlake stunned the pop world Thursday by announcing plans to quit ‘N Sync and join the Backstreet Boys. Normally, nobody would really care, except that ‘N Sync has promised to replace Timberlake with David Crosby.

* Theme Parks: Mickey Mouse has severed ties with Disneyland and moved to Magic Mountain. Despite personal pleas from Michael Eisner and Donald Duck, Mouse said Disneyland “just isn’t the same.” In particular, he lambasted the new California Adventure theme park, which is bombing with the public. “I told them it should have been called East Timor Adventure, but they wouldn’t listen,” said Mouse.

* Hollywood: Actor Billy Baldwin is rumored to be resigning from the Baldwin Brothers (Alec, Daniel, Stephen, Billy, Groucho and Chico). “Everyone is always getting us mixed up,” he complained. Although no official announcement has been made, Baldwin told aides he planned to become one of the Olsen twins.

* Cereal: Tony the Tiger is reportedly defecting from Kellogg to General Mills. Tiger, 59, is said to be miffed about his waning influence at Kellogg, which has come under increasing control by Snap, Crackle and Pop.

* Sports: The San Diego Chargers, perennial losers in the AFC West, are abandoning football to try their luck at synchronized swimming.

* Politics: California Gov. Gray Davis, sinking in polls over his handling of the energy crisis, tendered his resignation and announced plans to run for governor of oil-rich Texas.