LAUGH LINES

Late-Night TV: “Do you ever turn on the TV late at night and see these stupid commercials? ... I saw an ad for one of these speed-reading courses. They said they’ll teach you how to read 100,000 words an hour with better comprehension and better retention .... If you’re watching TV at 3 in the morning, what are the chances you’re doing any reading at all?” (Jay Leno)

Read All About It: “[Former] President Clinton signed a $10-million deal recently to write a book by 2003. Isn’t that amazing? And get this, not only that, [but] President Bush signed a $10-million deal to read a book by 2003.” (Conan O’Brien)

Smells Like Trouble: “I see an ad for Secret deodorant and ... the woman says how great it is and she says it’s the strongest antiperspirant you can buy without a prescription. How bad do you smell if you need a prescription just to get deodorant? ... Aren’t they dousing you with DDT pretty much?” (Leno)