FIVE REASONS USC HATES UCLA

1. The Bruins’ Heisman Trophy winner has never been involved in a slow-speed freeway chase with police.

2. The UCLA marching band knows more than one song.

3. State school. Lax admission standards=Cade McNown=they’ll let anybody in.

4. “Gutty little Bruins?” Give us a break. Did you watch their last three games?

5. Spoiled, whining, never-satisfied idiot letter writers to The Times.

FIVE REASONS UCLA HATES USC

1. O.J. Simpson, 1967, 64 yards, no national championship. Wanna talk anger management?

2. The Trojans’ mascot? Warrior on a white horse. Ours? A freaking Care Bear.

3. Our BMWs are used, theirs are fresh off the boat.

4. NCAA always let their tailbacks play, back when they had tailbacks.

5. Spoiled, whining, never-satisfied idiot letter writers to The Times.

CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE CULTURE

George Lucas (USC alumnus)

Trojans remember: “Star Wars,” “Return of the Jedi,” “The Empire Strikes Back.”

Bruins remember: Jar Jar Binks.

Francis Ford Coppola (UCLA)

Bruins remember: “Godfather I and II,” “Apocalypse Now,” “Patton.”

Trojans remember: “One From The Heart.”

Robert Zemeckis (USC)

Trojans remember: “Forrest Gump,” “Back To The Future,” “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.”

Bruins remember: “1941.”

Jim Morrison (UCLA)

Bruins remember: “Break On Through,” “L.A. Woman,” “Light My Fire.”

Trojans remember: The Lizard King, exposed, arrested, Miami, 1969. Subtitle: “People Are Strange.”

Ron Howard (USC)

Trojans remember: “Apollo 13,” “Parenthood,” “Cocoon.”

Bruins remember: “Grand Theft Auto.”

Lloyd Bridges (UCLA)

Bruins remember: “Sea Hunt,” “High Noon,” “Airplane!”

Trojans remember: “Joe Versus The Volcano.”

John Wayne (USC)

Trojans remember: “Red River,” “Sands of Iwo Jima,” “True Grit.”

Bruins remember: “Big Jake.”