With Garrett in Charge, the Funds Never Stop

I’d say two or three times a week before I go to sleep my final thought is, “I wonder what USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett has to say these days,” and I think of all the stupid things that might pop out of his mouth, and I laugh and I laugh, and there’s no way Leno could compete.

My wife tells me there are nights when I actually fall asleep with a smile on my face, and while I don’t know what Salma Hayek has to do with any of this, I feel somewhat deprived now that Garrett has gone into hiding.

On Tuesday, as a goodwill gesture, I wore a cardinal shirt and beige pants--the gold ones are in the wash--and stopped by Heritage Hall to find Garrett.

I thought about bringing my checkbook and offering a $2,000 donation to the athletic department if it would bring Garrett out of his bunker, but then I thought about the look on Dwyre’s face when I turned in that expense account and he realized I was helping one of Notre Dame’s opponents, and instead went with my charm.

This will probably come as a surprise, but I didn’t get my interview.

A SPOKESMAN told me Garrett was mad, which was surprising because I don’t think I would ever suggest such a thing publicly, but then the spokesman completed his sentence: was mad at me.

Maybe he thinks I called for that fake punt last week against Notre Dame.

When I mentioned football, I was told Garrett was going to remain in hiding because he had no interest in talking about his 2-5 football program, which I could certainly understand.

Then I was given a three-page document entitled: “Mike Garrett’s Record as USC Athletic Director.” Three pages? As you might imagine, they used big type.

I read the whole thing, and there was no mention of his football program’s 21-23 record since leaving a message on John Robinson’s answering machine not to come to work anymore, not a single word about Paul Hackett or USC being placed on NCAA probation for two years. Maybe I dropped page four while playing hide and seek with Garrett.

There were a lot of positive things in the document--all positive things, actually--including graduation rates of 80% and 82% the last two years, the highest in school history, which makes it surprising this institution of higher education fired Hackett.

Anyway, I found it interesting that “in the last five years, Garrett’s department has had its five greatest fund-raising totals,” which suggests USC alumni and friends of the school must really like Garrett and the job he’s doing. Boy, did I have it wrong.

Garrett should be taking a bow instead of barricading himself in his office to avoid saying something stupid. As effective as he has been with the alumni, if I were him, I’d call President Steven Sample and demand a raise, although I wouldn’t wait for a return call.

Some of this, of course, is a little perplexing because I get a lot of e-mail from people claiming a real interest in USC, who suggest Garrett must go. Obviously, they must be in the minority because the facts speak to Garrett’s incredible popularity with the fat-cat Trojan alumni. In fact, you’d have to say the Trojan alumni have spoken, giving Garrett the kind of endorsement that insures job security for a long time.

This past fiscal year alone, his athletic department raised $22.3 million--that’s more than $9 million above the previous department record. I mean where would USC athletics be without Garrett?

AFTER BUCK Showalter left as manager of the Yankees, New York won four World Series titles and will be playing again for a ring. After Showalter left Arizona last year, the Diamondbacks responded by making it to the World Series.

Obviously, the Dodgers should hire the guy and then fire him.

USC HAS not invited Robinson to speak at the Nov. 13 memorial for John McKay, saying they have invited only eight speakers for the event, and that like all the other coaches who worked with McKay, Robinson is welcome to attend with the public on a first-come, first-seated basis.

JOE GARNER, who has had three consecutive books on the New York Times best-sellers list, will try again with “Echoes of Notre Dame Football,” which includes compact discs with Regis Philbin doing the play-by-play from some of the school’s classic games. Because the book is about Notre Dame’s greatest moments, there’s no mention of Coach Bob Davie.

I FEEL a lot better now that Chris Chelios has promised U.S. hockey players will be on their best behavior at the Winter Olympics. I’m sure there was much debate, but I think we all realize the sacrifice they are making for the country.

THE KINGS seem to play their best hockey when they’re out of town. Too bad they can’t play all their games out of town.

BASED ON the reporting of our Alan Abrahamson, it appears L.A. may not make the cut for the 2012 Games because some people didn’t warm to Los Angeles Councilman Mark Ridley-Thomas, and because L.A. officials came off as being somewhat arrogant. “I’m shocked and totally baffled,” said Ridley-Thomas, who was standing in for the vacationing mayor when the Olympic officials visited L.A.

I’m also shocked and totally baffled, because based on personal experience throughout the NFL process, Ridley-Thomas not only grows on you, but is the fastest study I’ve ever seen in applying himself to things he may not know a lot about when he first becomes involved. As for L.A.’s arrogance--OK.

. TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Jon:

“Watching you the other night on TV, my wife exclaimed, ‘Who does this (expletive) think he is?’ And to think I thought she knew nothing about sports.”

Sir, I don’t believe “stud” is an expletive.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com